Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Lose Your Mind.... and the Rest Won't Always Follow...

I know that it has been quite a bit of time since my last post. I think we tread a thin line between being innovative and passionate and downright insane. There's something about living in the dark corners of our minds and exploring them that separates us from others. There's a need, a drive, an insanity there. I have been working on building out my space in Ct, which is stressful as the space is very raw and peaceful and depravity dwells there quite comfortably and doesn't seem to want to move out, which is just fine by me. A part of me wants to keep it fairly simple, a bit filthy with its beautifully decaying brick and I couldn't love it more. Though, still, somethings are needed, heat, walls, a kitchen, bit of tlc, and of course lots of toys and contraptions for my sadistic and depraved mind. I have a few new friends and they are so vanilla, their lifestyles...it's like a trip from my land to theirs, I know I don't belong and can't stay, it's quite odd really. Also, I have been driving myself mad, alright I am already quite mad to begin with, but starting up my own production company has proved to be quite the... production. I could do it next week if I wanted to have lame, bad, crappy content. But good, truly erotic quality content, properly shot and edited, that's taking time and good equipment. In fact, I have ditched final cut pro and found love in adobe after effects... we're going to get married and have kids and a white picket fence painted with liquid latex. I love fences, but one should never have one unless they are going to use them properly and bind someone to them. Otherwise they seem to be a bit of a waste. Also, I trusted someone more than I should of, usually I don't do this... because they screwed me over. It's one thing to disagree, it's another to be an immature fuck about it and screw someone over with no good reason. If you have a reason, that I can respect and understand, but to do it in a pansy ass little kid who doesn't get their way and is just sulking. No respect for that. I like to try a mature, fair approach for a bit, I can be very patient, I give people multiple chances to do the right thing but people never seem to respond to this... which doesn't surprise me. I probably do it for my own piece of mind because then when I have to fight, I fight fucking dirty, and I'm brilliantly brutal, especially seeing as how I don't have many morals or boundaries and I mindfuck for a living, a sport and just for fucking fun...though still I just would rather take the easier, kinder approach, and also, it's less time consuming, but much more often than not people don't respond to this, they want to play, get one over on you, be a dick and fuck around with you because they think they can away with it and they are getting off on it, and I may not have a dick, but if I did, it would be bigger. I don't want to be a cunt, if I can avoid it I will and I do try, but when I have to be, I am truly a fucking fabulous cunt. *Insert end of rant here*

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Downtime in Connecticut

I know I haven't posted in a bit, but I've been quite busy with crap. A lot of crap. In my experience, when you put two people together who are, let's go with somewhat unorthodox, you end up with...
let me just add that alcohol had absolutely nothing to do with what you're about to see, though perhaps it should have.
Also, I had no intention of shooting anything, I just grabbed my cheap little Flip to take a still and, well, see for yourself.
 This is pretty fucking bad, but it is mildly fucking funny, or maybe you just had to be there ;) 
Open it to full screen, make sure you have the sound on and enjoy.

  video




Friday, July 22, 2011

Swimming up to the Surface...

Have you ever felt that combination of being absolutely overwhelmed to the point where you actually just start laughing because it's all a bit ridiculous and you just have to let it out before you get up, repack your bag and journey onwards... that coupled with an excitement that just almost literally tickles you. That's what the last 16 hours have been like for me. I can't even begin to explain them yet I am going to try. It's probably why I am on here right now instead of working or showering, which I really should. I just have to get it out because right now it's rattling in my brain and throughout the rest of my body. I have these visions, this utterly decadent and depraved world, just this place I want to find that doesn't exist and so I am embarking on a long journey to slowly create it, for me and for others I hope. I know I'm bound to fuck up along the way many times over, but I wouldn't expect anything else and that's okay, it can be aggravating but learning what you did wrong and what not to do through trial and error, at least for me, tends to be the best way to learn. So my visions, my world, it has become this burning sensation inside of me, this absolute need to realize it, to share it, to exist in it. It drives me. At times I can feel it in what seems like every cell in my body, I can feel it tingling in my blood and hiding behind my eyes. I have always been so stubbornly independent and I strive to be as self sufficient as possible. I've always had an attitude like, "Just give it to me, I'll figure it out, I'll do it, no it's not too much, just put it on the table"... seriously, when I was eight and my Nintendo wouldn't work, remember how you had to take it out, blow on the game, blow into the console, over and over again.... or with VHS players, sometimes you had to give them a nice little bop or two, maybe shake them around a little bit, I would just keep playing around with them until they would work... and I once had this Beauty and the Beast tent I got for Christmas and I was a child and excited and wanted it set up right then and there, but for whatever reason, I was told to wait and I went into my father's bedroom and set that fucking thing up all by myself. I was 7 or 8 and I was so proud that I was able to do it. Maybe I am impatient, maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I'm independent, maybe I'm all of these things. Whatever the case may be,  it's just how I am... and I will admit, every once in a blue moon I find myself going back to someone and saying, "motherfucker, fine, here, you do it"... and then that little smirk on their face and the laugh, I must endure that as well. I'm okay with that because I have no problem laughing at myself and realize that I am not Dora the fucking Explorer or Bob the bullshit Builder nor am I MacgyverSo, I am basically designing my new space in Ct and starting a production company. I thought I had a fair grasp on everything that would involve. Oh... no, I was wrong. I was so very, hysterically wrong. I knew there would be a lot of work and determination required on my part... and I was and am ready to fucking chisel away at the bottom of a fucking hill to move it, and I say hill because as of yesterday afternoon my hill just became a big ole mountain. So now my head is tilted all the way back looking up and it's really just like, "Ahh, fuck me! Okay, where do I fucking start now"... because I can shoot and edit, I have learned many things in regards to both from watching and asking over the years. I have also practiced it on my own. I thought I would just have someone create a pay site for me and then I could hook onto a server and just upload and that would be it but no, now I need to learn how to be a webmaster of a pay site which doesn't sound like much, but it is, there is a fuck load I don't know about all this programming shit and so I must learn, a lot and well. It's actually a lot of complicated crap if you have no understanding of it and I can see how many people would just be like, "you know what, on second thought..." I was there when my old website was constructed and saw how it was done and didn't think a pay site would be that much different. Everyone I knew who could create websites, didn't know anything about pay sites though and didn't want to even touch them. Now I know why. A whole different ball game. Between setting it up and maintaining it and just crap, it's a giant clusterfuck of a difference and for me I have no understanding of it... yet. In this "industry" there are many people who do one of several things. One being that they have someone who takes about 50% of their profits every month to handle their site, uploading, maintaining, editing and all that computer crap and programming that right now I don't know how to do. For me, there exists two issues with that, one, no way is some fucktard having control of my site and content... no way, these are my visions, my scenes, my art and no one is touching it and two, no one is taking a 50% cut from me for something I will, I fucking will learn how to do and manage and no one is going to profit from my tears and sweat and my love but me and hopefully the people that it will appeal to. That's it, there's me and there's all of you and everyone else can move the fuck aside. I have had people try to tell me it's too much work and a big process and it would just be easier to stick to Clips4sale and other crap and you know what, I am doing my due diligence because I don't really want to link on to some site... I want my fucking world online. I want a site that epitomizes all that I am and believe and dream and love. That's it, there are no other options for me. I know it's going to be work and I know it's going to be hard and discouraging and I still do not fucking care. I know my stuff, I know that it will get better overtime as I work out all the kinks, as the quality of what I can do will integrate with what I envision and want to do. I have so many hot fucking scenes and things I want to shoot, things I have never seen anywhere, things that excite me, things that are beautiful and dark and edgy, erotic and real. I was always told that going down the glamour, really erotic film route wouldn't appeal to a large audience because it's what women want, not men. All of you have already proved that to be wrong, the amount of emails I get in response to my blog and the emails in general, your yearnings, everything has just been a giant fuck you to that notion. So, I am laughing at myself and the road ahead of me. I feel, and I realize it's being a bit dramatic, but have you ever watched a film and at the end there's a battle and someone says, "You do realize we're probably not going to make it out of here alive" ... and it's kind of like, "Yup, let's go"... that's how I feel. Dramatic, yes, but still. It's that almost idiotic determination. So, I hope that when I get there, when I carve out a little bit of land for myself, when I create my new world, I hope I will not be there alone... and if I am, well there's always email.

I kind of laugh at some notions of what I do or my typical day. I have had people who are like, "that's cool, so basically whenever you need money you just take a client and that's it" or that I just sit here, answer a few emails and then work for an hour or two and that's really just it. I'm lazy, I sit home all day twiddling my thumbs. I make my own hours and goof off all day long. The peanut factory, they're fucking nuts. No, I have a phenomenally beautiful destination in mind and I believe that there is beauty in the beast... I think in darkness there's beauty. I will die before I give up on this, before I give up on my dream, my passion... because I will die before I ever give up on myself. Our sexuality is exquisite and it shouldn't have to be shameful, hidden or denied. 

I don't doubt that many people don't understand my devotion because of the "industry" I am in and the path I chose. Maybe I didn't do what I should have, maybe my career is a joke to many and my world misunderstood... maybe I'll look back at my naivety and think how foolish I was, but it remains the same, it remains mine. I don't want to conquer the world, just my dreams... and if I fail, then at least I tried.

"Let’s Pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen
 Let’s pretend things would’ve been no different
 Pretend he procrastinated had no motivation
 Pretend he just made excuses that was so paper thin they could    blow away with the wind
 Marshal you're never gonna make it, makes no sense to play the game there ain’t no way that you'll win
 Pretend he just stayed out side all day and played with his friends
 Pretend he even had a friend to say was his friend
 And it wasn’t time to move and schools were changing again
 He wasn’t socially awkward and just strange as a kid
 He had a father and his mother wasn’t crazy as shit
 And he never dreamed he can ripped stadiums he was just lazy as shit
 Fuck a talent show in the gymnasium bitch
 You won’t amount to shit quit day dreaming kid
 You need to get ya cranium checked you thinking like an alien it just ain’t realistic
  Now pretend they ain’t just make him angry with this shit
 And there was no one he could even aim when he’s pissed it
 And his alarm went off to wake him but he didn't make it to the rap Olympics left to his plane and he missed it
 He’s gonna have a hard time explaining to Hailey and Laney these food stamps and WIC shit
 Cause he never risked shit he hoped and he wished it
 But it didn’t fall in his lap so he ain’t even here, he pretends that..."    

        
-Airplanes

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I am Leaving Them Damn Yankees...

So, by now many of you know that I am in the middle of moving to Ct. Which I have planned to do for some time now but had to put off because both my father and then myself became ill. In different ways, but still. While I am extremely excited about this new space in Ct. I love it, it's amazing and the possibilities seem endless. It's raw and I have the opportunity to do just about anything my imagination can dream up. Amazing but I do get lost inside my own mind and invite the wickedness which resides there to become realized. The transition however is having an impact on me that I wasn't quite anticipating. I love Ct, it's always felt right for me. It's so beautiful. I am going to give it a test run for a few years to be sure. It's also fairly close to my family and friends in ny, as well as to Boston and DC. Also, I like visiting the west coast and the south but I enjoy the north east coast most... as well as all four seasons! Yes, I do bitch in the winter that it's too cold and in the summer that it's too hot but I enjoy them all for what they offer. Except the god damn spiders! Someone please do something about them! Yes, I am aware it will throw off our whole ecological system, but it just may be a risk I am willing to take. Anyway, I am experiencing now, from spending a few nights in the building that I am homesick. The other day when I drove here, it hit me when I saw a Ct license plate and thought "where the fuck are they from?"… I will no longer live in new york, I'll always be a new yorker at heart but just not live there. That said, Ct has prettier license plates than ny, especially since they changed to this horrid deep yellow color that clashes with every car and color. So, while I've lived on long island, in queens, in brooklyn and in the city and while I've traveled to a number of states, I've never had an issue with it. There were times when I was like, "Fuck, I need to be home like now!", but that was more or less because I hate the travel back, I'm fucking exhausted and just want to be in my own damn bed. So when this strange feeling hit me, I wasn't quite prepared for it and it took me off guard and a minute to identify this odd, unsettling feeling. I have felt it before when I was a child and perhaps once or twice as an adult, but not quite exactly in this fashion. I have this feeling, I will no longer be able to simply take a drive and go see my father, I can't go pick up my girlfriend or meet another one for drinks, I can't see my favorite puppy in the whole world and his stupid, happy face that makes me smile for absolutely no other reason than pure untainted love. I will have no idea what's going on with my annoying neighbors that I have known for a long time and constantly fill my world with endless and needless irritation and gossip. I have moved around a fair amount, but always within ny. There are some trips that are a couple hours away that seem shorter or just tiring, and then there are trips like this one, where I feel so very far away. I feel lonely. I know Ct, but I don't know it. I have a friend or two here, but I don't know anyone else. I don't know the highways or the roads, I don't know the stores. It may as well be in another language at this point. I'm not scared so much, I'm just homesick for ny and easy access to the people I care about and for the places and the state I am familiar with, and yes, even the people who fill my life with drama and drive me nuts and who I can't wait to get the fuck away from. I miss home. I know things will change overtime and I will meet new people and feel comfortable driving about.  Ct will become my new home, but I don't feel that way just yet and I feel like a video game character whose player just picked them up and dragged them to the other end of the screen and plopped them down there. I want to just take my stuff and get in my truck and drive back home as fast as I can... but I know I can't run simply because it's uncomfortable. It would be easier, but the easy way doesn't tend to get anyone very far. Most importantly, this is what I want, however daunting it may be in the next few months or even longer. Staying within my comfort zone is not something I am comfortable living with. It is not acceptable and there is no justifiable reason for me. Just excuses, which I try not to allow myself to have or give into. I can't even have a house warming party because no one will come see me, dammit! I am not even kidding you, the people I know do not leave unless it's for a vacation, that or everyone has kids and can't. Also I would have to explain all the hooks and D rings and such... and no, no that's not a mini ferris wheel... no, no that saddle is not for horse. Please don't play with that you might electrocute yourself. It's a good thing I know how to change a flat by myself. If you build it, they will come, yes, I do believe that, but there were/are no specifications as to who the fuck "they" are and I doubt Rob Lowe will be showing up at my door. Kudos to you if you get that reference. Yes, I just used the word kudos. Fuck you.

Also, total side note, I have, for the first time, opened up my yahoo messenger so I am available to chat. I ask that you please email me first before messaging me on it and identify yourself with your email address since I tend to have a great memory of them and not with names. You remember how before caller ID you would pick up a phone call and someone would be like, "Hey John, it's me, how have you been?" and then you play the game of asking them questions for the next ten minutes until you figure out who the fuck "me" is?  So, even if you state your name, unless it's something fairly uncommon like... Pluto (still a planet, sorry) , then I may have one of those moments. Email addresses on the other hand, I am superb with. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

BARE WITH ME...

Yes, I do realize the correct form for what I am asking is bear, I was merely kidding considering my lifestyle and this post. I wanted to put out there, not to give an excuse just an explanation as I do feel there's a difference. To put simply, I feel that an excuse is kind of like saying, "I did it but I couldn't really help it or it's not my fault or yadayadaya..." , where as an explanation is more honest, I suppose, sort of like "Yup, I did it, I acted like an asshole, and that's that, but this is why". You're not excusing your behavior you're just explaining it. I think, a lot of times people fail to see the difference, but me being a curious curious creature, I seek out the explanations. So, here it goes. Sometimes I will send an email response in a few hours and sometimes it will be a few days. I don't fuck with my emails and they are very specific to each person I correspond with. So instead of sending out some generic shit email with a few lines, I'd rather wait and respond with a detailed and case by case response. Also, the majority of my emails are at least a paragraph long and many times quite few. I am saying that because sometimes people will apologize for writing to me at length, don't apologize, I prefer them that way. The connection is easier established and I genuinely enjoy reading them all. The minute I read your first email, I'm trying to get inside your head. I can't take you to a destination if I don't know where you want to go, and when I do, I need to figure out how to best get you there. When I open them up I get a form of excitement akin to opening up a fresh novel and settling in for a good read. I literally have piles and piles of books scattered about that I do knock over a little more often than just sometimes.  Anyways, at times, unfortunately it takes me longer, it can be due to various reasons. Sometimes I get carpal tunnel, at least I am pretty sure that's what it is and it would make sense. I'm am very anti drugs, legal ones, pharmaceuticals. I rarely, rarely take anything. I take pain killers maybe twice a year, other than that, nothing. I don't get vaccines. I only take antibiotics if there's surgery involved. I've been studying alternative medicine and nutrition for about ten years and I don't push it on anyone, it's my lifestyle. Though, I do have a skeleton in my closet that I am not ashamed of, but don't talk about in my professional life that much, though I have to some and to a light extent. It's an extremely vulnerable and private thing for me, which I don't have many things that are, but fuck it,  apparently now I'm about to pop open the fucking lid. I do get severe panic attacks, not the kind that make you jittery, the kind that feel like heart attacks or sometimes if you can think of what a sore muscle feels like, sometimes it feels like that but in my heart. Which is odd and scary because we don't really experience that awareness of our hearts often. It started about 5 or so years ago. It's my body's smoke alarm. I believe our bodies know best, we just don't really know how to listen to them anymore, so we ignore the messages they send us and take drugs to make them go away. Once again, my opinion. My body, when it's holding too much of an emotion inside, freaks out. I can express my emotions well and have a great deal of control over myself but there was a time out of fear that I couldn't, and thus they began. I dealt with the issue causing them and they went away. It gave me a further remarkable appreciation for our minds. Doctor after doctor told me there wasn't anything wrong, my feelings weren't real and thus disregarded my suffering, it was irritating but that my mind could produce such strong feelings that had no validation, was well, agonizing but truly remarkable. Nothing was wrong with my body and yet so much was wrong because my mind said so. So, there are many people I do not give a shit about crossing but my own mind, I won't fuck with that. Years went by and I was and remain quite happy, content, satisfied and that part didn't go away but last year I once again held too much inside and I shouldn't have. I was deeply hurt and angry (no not an ex bf/gf) and justifiably so. So, I respected someone that no longer deserved my respect and I respected them way past the point that I needed to. I could have dealt with it in a respectable manner that also allowed me to express myself. I didn't though. The panic attacks came back full force. When I say release anger, I don't mean beat someone up or yell at them, there are healthy ways of articulating ones anger and/or dealing with it. Sometimes there are just fun ones, lol. Anger has such negative sound to it and most people view it as such. It's fine to get, to be angry, it's one form of passion. It's natural. I think it's important to allow yourself to feel however you are, especially when it's a not a happy feeling, I think if we don't allow ourselves to feel it, examine it, we can't release it and let it go. Gaining control over are emotions and ourselves in turn, is so important, but not ignoring them, not denying them. Anyway, I went on xanax, which most people including doctors don't know a lot about and you really have to do a little bit of digging to understand. It's a horrible drug and should have been banned a long time ago. I have my therapist, I go to him every few months for a tune up and have been for years. Most therapists I can't stand but I adore him. He's frank, non judge mental, old school but funny and doesn't try to force his opinions on you. He knew that when I went on it last summer, that it was short term, most doctors will try and make you believe you have a disease and can't live without whatever they are pushing. I went to a women therapist once, mine was away, and she asked me what I was going to take after the xanax and I was like, "umm, nothing" and the look on her face was priceless because she couldn't comprehend that, it completely fucking baffled her. What a joke, no understanding of people, her degree should be revoked but things are just retarded like that at times. At a lot of times. The thing is, doctors get a lot of money to push drugs on you and many don't want you to get better, because you wouldn't need to go to them then. I'm not saying all doctors are like that, but there are a many of them, especially shrinks. Sometimes they are just taught it in college. That the body is whole unit, that concept is not a popular one in the US. It's not something a lot of doctors are taught or study, so many are unaware of, well, a lot. If you were content, would you need the weekly sessions? Spend it on something completely selfish that makes you happy and helps promote confidence, whatever that maybe for you. It will do you a lot better in the long run. I don't mean retail therapy either. If you have a rat in your house, don't seal up all the rooms with yourself inside, find the damn rat and kick it the fuck out. We don't need a zombie apocalypse, we have one. I am actually sorry if anyone is reading this and feels offended, they're some people that need medicine for certain mental illnesses but not nearly as many as those that are on them. If you are going to take them, they should be short term. If there's something wrong, evaluate your life and yourself, it's there, just don't give up on yourself. Don't tell me I'm too young or whatever cliche shit comes to mind. I was in the hospital when I was younger for severe depression that lasted years, I cut myself when I was younger, in my late teenage years I was quite bulimic and I was in a physically abusive relationship for a few years. I know what it feels like to be at a completely crippling, hopeless point that feels endless and I know the pain and tears that accompany it, an exhausting fight against yourself not to breath, but to live. I hated being a victim, I always did and have, and I found myself being one, I found myself holding my tongue and many, many other things. All those things though, I would never, ever take back because those things also helped me to find and to know myself. To find the love I have for myself over all and everyone else. Also, if nothing else, most of those drugs kill your libido. So back to anyway, anyway I took the xanax which as it is, works for a bit and I tried to deal with my issue, which sucked because I remained passive about it for another bit. Then I realized, too long on the xanax, it's approved for 4 weeks in the UK and 8 in the USit should be banned. I was on it for months. So I started to ween off of it, which you have to, I was on a very high dosage but regardless you have to. It was my second time off of it and for some reason it was a lot harder. Like pregnancy? I don't know. Actually, it was hell. It was fucking hell. There were times when I had to stop working/playing altogether I got very sick, many times. I could list the symptoms but there were so many. They're common if you dig around on boards and forums. Mental and actual physical effects. I didn't know how sick I would be. I didn't know how bad it would get. I didn't know when one symptom would end...when some other would begin. I just didn't know. Your central nervous system has to re regulate and goes stark raving mad and it tries to take you with it. I don't deal well with being down that long, I push and push myself and don't give myself a lot of slack. So it was very stressful and frustrating on top of everything else. There were times when my mind wanted to but my body couldn't and times when my body could and my mind could not. One of the reason xanax is so hard to stop and you should never go cold turkey once you pass those four weeks, is because you can have a seizure, and though most doctors will tell you it's rare, it's certainly not uncommon and you could end up in the hospital for a mental breakdown quite easily. Which, I almost did and I was weening, just too fast. I did deal with my issue though, there's a point I get to with anyone, I just go, you know what, fuck this, my body is not happy with you and I have no more patience for your shit. I'm not usually mean about it, I just don't tolerate it. So I have a lot of patience, but I only have so much and in the end, I care about my health and the love I have for myself more than pretty much everybody. I'm happy though. We all get bruised going through life, emotionally and physically, I don't know of anyone who hasn't. I don't doubt that was the last time for me. I just think it's how we deal with and that we deal with, rather than chose to ignore, because it's easier. Many of us don't like confrontation, but if you don't force yourself, it will become a habit and a hard one to break. It's so easy to stay in a miserable situation merely because it's comfortable. I don't think it's having experiences that count that much, but learning from experiences and not taking just misery away from them. That said, I like my limbs where they are and I like my senses. I very much hope I am fortunate enough to keep them all and not have to lose any of them. I can't say I can relate or empathize with anyone who has had to. I feel quite grateful in that regard. So, unknowingly, I would like to thank everyone for baring with me this last winter/spring. Heads up, I am in the middle of renovating my space in ct and moving, so things may be a bit hectic for me, that and I don't know what it is with DC and Boston but you guys are fucking flooding my email. Not an excuse, just a heads up, I will get back to you, sometimes immediately and sometimes it may take a little longer. If you want a pizza delivered within an hour, don't email me, but if you want a gourmet pizza and are willing to wait for it, then, by all means, please do so :) Hopefully, I haven't scared too many of you away with this post or made myself out to be flaky or unprofessional. Despite the rumors, I am human.

Since I have put this post up, an hour ago, maybe two, but since then, I have considered taking it down a few times. I think, because it is so private. I've never seriously thought about taking a blog down before and I had an old blog for awhile as well. It's because I can feel something vulnerable in this post that shakes me, and that's why it has to stay up, regardless.  I don't know if it's the right decision, but it's my decision.

Monday, July 4, 2011

The Fly, the Whip and the Angermanagement Test...

About a week ago I was in a bit of a testy mood for a few days... and I was working on my laptop concentrating quite heavily on... a game. I'm a bit of a casual gamer, anyways a fly was in my bedroom and I swear it was purposely fucking with me. It was flying round and round right in front of me and every time I would get up to swat it it would pretend to go to a different area and then when I would sit back down the fucker would come around again buzzing right in front of my damn face. So, I was sort of like, fuck this, this is war... and I got one of my floggers. Now, I would love to say I killed it with my it, but I do believe I may have met my match in this little fly. While I have caught them in my hands in the past, I wasn't focused at all and though I hit it several times, it just wouldn't die. So I equipped myself with a bottle of cleaner near by and sprayed it and flogged it. Each time I thought that I had surely gotten it, by drowning it in chemicals and smacking it down... the fucker would come back to taunt me. This happened many many times, it was somewhat remarkable, it just wouldn't fucking die... and I was getting quite agitated. It was flying around near my lamp which I, in the heat of battle, sprayed along with the fly and kaboom! The bulb blew up and scared the crap out of me. I was quite fortunate that no glass hit me but did fly everywhere else. I was freaked out, I had no longer had a light and there was glass all over, so I retired to the sofa for the rest of the night. Though... it killed the fly. The next day out of pure curiosity, as I really pay no mind to other people's classifications, rules and tests... I took an online anger management test. Now, I don't have any real issues with anger, I merely just got curious and once curiosity plants its seed in my mind, I must seek out the answer. I've actually taken quite a few online tests, I just find them, as well as the results, amusing. Based on a bunch of crap, but amusing nonetheless. So, I read question one and half way through decided it was stupid and didn't really pertain to me so I moved on to question number two which I also deemed stupid and irrelevant... now half way through question number three I decided the whole damn thing was just completely idiotic, much more so than usual and thus frustrated by this, I closed out the window. As I did so, I thought of the irony... an anger management test and I couldn't even answer a single question much less make it past number three without saying "fuck this" , which I actually did say out loud. This caused me to laugh a bit and so I told a good friend of mine about this and we joked that I would probably receive an email any moment insisting I stay inside until the authorities arrived. They didn't, I have issues but anger isn't one of them... though it is a pity I didn't catch the battle between me and my flogger against the fly on video. A battle, which mind you... I ultimately won. So, ha!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

This Is Why Evoltuion Takes a Really Long Time...

I don't really know where to start. I have had a long fucking week. I don't know what happened but I don't think I received the brain I was supposed to. I don't think my brain was made in America. I realize that's an odd statement, but my brain is a very special exotic blend of dysfunctional. I don't get it. So people cheat. People lie. We do some fucked up shit. We're assholes. We're bitches. Why is this still news and why the fuck is this still surprising and why the hell does Sarah Jessica Parker get a hit tv show based off her character's hit column when my blog is so much better. I actually liked the show quite a bit, but Sex and the City it was not, and we're from the same city so I don't get it. So why is it that people are still shocked when it comes out that so and so is cheating or gay or lied or got drunk and said some stupid ass shit. We all fucking do it, have fucking thought about it or have had it done to us, why is it fucking news. I want to walk out one day and hear that Arnold's mistress had a fucking purple baby pop out with three heads, which said in unison "I'll be back" and then popped back into her... or Obama: it's really just a spray on tan, because I would stop for a moment for that shit, I would say, "Well, I'll be fucking damned, that's some fucking news", but nope, everyone has to make a big deal out sex scandals, just normal, run of the mill, vanilla sex. I'd be more surprised if they reported that Tiger Woods had never had an affair and had been completely faithful, that would surprise me. Then everyone has to ask why, we have to get middle America's opinion. Oh yay! I don't care where I am, I roll my eyes and yell at the tv "Because he fucking can, that's why!" Why do you? What's your excuse you fucking hypocrites! Can you really blame them. One, they're human and two, they're rich and famous... Why the fuck is America always so god damned surprised at this, are we really that stupid and ignorant? I know, it's mean, but it's also true, so put your big girl panties on and handle it or shut the fuck up. I am not against love, I think love is great, I think sleeping with only the same person night after night for the rest of your lives sounds like wishful thinking to me and if I am being completely honest, boring (throw another person or a kangaroo in there or something). I know personally, I'd want my own room. I wanted it when I was twelve, I got it and I am never giving it up. There are somethings I don't like sharing. I don't want to share my dessert, I don't want to share my drink, I don't want to share my car, and I most certainly don't want to share my bed. I will tell you one thing I don't mind sharing though, my bf or gf, because it's just sex, sex does not equate love or trust, sex actually has a tendency to destroy trust and as long as they are with me, I'm realistic, I don't need to walk by the tv one day and see their fucking face on the god damn news. I fucking love my Jeep, but you know what, you add "and that's the only car for the rest of your life", and it sounds like a demon whispering that shit in your ear, it echos. I may be perfectly happy with a pair of shoes, I may love them, but that does not mean I don't want or can't see the logic behind wanting to wear a different pair, a shiny or sparkly pair, another color, just a different fucking pair at times... and if I were Tiger Woods, I would have a different pair delivered whenever I fucking felt like it, at two am, on a sunday morning, and I would sip champagne out of them, before and after I wore them... and we're really going to blame him? And these fuckers get bullied into resignation over sex, are you shitting me, this is why. Yup, America sat on the statue of liberty and got it stuck up it's ass... most men can't admit it in front of their significant others because they'd get crucified and women get too god damned insecure about it and feel threatened, it's like an anthrax scare, but with sex...and that will eventually be a contributing factor to the demise of their own relationships, whether they know it or have to find it out about it on the news... and I don't know if anyone has realized it, but news has the word new in it, therefore alluding to the fact that it's new. It's not, it's fucking olds. They might as well carve it on a fucking tablet. We're basically just domesticated animals who can talk, type and pee in bowl, and some of us can't manage that at times (myself included), but you know what, we need to stop pretending we don't have animalistic urges and desires. So please stop drinking their Kool Aid... and read a book, you can find them in a place called the library... because you can not go to borders books anymore, they only carry coffee, stationary, candy, cds, dvds, and the Twilight series, that's it. That's it, that's all they have.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Things I Shouldn't Say... So Naturally I'm Going to.

And thus that is part of the reason why it needs to be written about. When I first entered the Pro Bdsm scene, something many people don't realize is that it has it's own set of rules to it. I have always, always been drawn to the lifestyle, as far back as eleven or twelve, which is common enough. I have always been immensely fascinated with people's minds. So, I could earn a living and do something I love so very much... really? The girl who, for six years, was so excited to go to college just drop it like that? Yes, and I did... and I never regretted it. College educated, in my book, doesn't mean you are educated, it just means you paid money so that you could tell people you are and in some, but certainly not all cases, you could pretend to be. So, I started in a dungeon... I learned quickly, I loved it. I was in love. Though, I learned that not only could I be a pro domme, I could sub as well. This turned me on... a lot. It was a ride I wanted to get on. So, even though I technically hadn't been there long enough to take on sub scenes, I talked my way into allowing them to let me "audition", so to speak. Fucked up shit that it is. I don't do that anymore, obviously. Anyway, it wasn't so hard because there is a certain stigma in the pro scene. If you sub at all, even switch then you are not really a domme. That's the first rule I broke and didn't give a shit about. Rule number two... scenes are not sexual. Oh my fucking higher power, yes they absolutely fucking are. Bdsm does not need to incorporate sex but at times it should and regardless scenes are always sexual this is why tops should be getting pleasure as should bottoms, where it goes from there, who knows. So, that's the second rule I broke. Yes, I got a lot of shit in the beginning. I wound up going independent in 8 months. I had no idea what the fuck to do, standing out there in the rain, no umbrella in hand. Though I did figure it out and I had a bit of help from a good friend along the way. Over the years, well some have just accepted it when they see that it's what I actually enjoy and  perhaps some are jealous because they have to hide their own sub side because it would indeed hurt their careers... others, well I don't doubt that they talk behind my back. Oh well, such is life. I don't care. With me, what you see, read and hear, is what you get. I will say it once again, there's no fucking persona. I am Aurora Storms, she's not some person I become. So here's something I shouldn't talk about but dammit I'm going to. I give so much of myself and my time to my clients, many of you I consider friends, I deeply value our connections. If you have had a phone conversation (or several) with me, you know what I am referring to. This is my career though. This is my income. Do not put me in a bad position. I literally receive thousands of emails a year and spend hours a day reading each one and responding accordingly and at length. It's also my screening process. I can many long wonderful emails that I enjoy greatly, but situations do occur from time to time and so this blog is not specific to any one case. So yes, if I am talking with you for hours, naturally I am enjoying doing so and if we discuss setting up a time to meet, then yes I want to see you or I would have deleted your email... and yes I absolutely have deleted emails and declined scenes for various reasons, ranging from stupidity to just not being compatible, which I don't think is fair for either player, especially the one spending the fucking money for a professional. Yes, we all dance and tip toe around the matter and yes this post could be somewhat detrimental to my career but you know what, the people who wouldn't contact me based on this blog, I don't fucking want to play with you. I've been dancing around this for years, and I am fucking tired. It is not a topic I enjoy. It can be uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, I am not going to budge and you will only be wasting both your time and mine. Either move forward or politely decline. I am going to break it down. I love what I do to tears. It is my life. Not kids. Not marriage. Not a white picket fence. I love this part of people. The part they hide but yearn to show and have accepted. I love what people become when all the bullshit is stripped away. I love the darkness in us. The depravity. The light is so easy to embrace and to let show but the darkness is where we hide. I love kinky shit. I love fucked up shit. I love playing. I love pushing boundaries. I love to be challenged. I love what I fucking do... and I am fucking phenomenal at it, and my rates reflect that so please, respect that. If I made exceptions for all my clients whose conversations I thoroughly enjoyed and who stimulate me, I would be living in a fucking cardboard box and eating off of the god damn dollar menu at mcdonalds. I do not just sit around banging out clients all day. So yes, I am genuine... and if you don't believe me, re-read this stupid blog, because I'm kind of going with anyone who isn't wouldn't write this or maybe it's just anyone in their right mind, I don't know right now, I'm not to sure... I'm just saying, it's insulting and it hurts my feelings and yes I do have them hidden away in the "top of my panties that I never wear" drawer... 

Monday, June 6, 2011

Seething with Sadism...

While I honestly don't discuss bdsm much on here, not for any particular reason, I usually just write what is on my mind at the moment... thus my new entry. This is not going to be a very insightful entry, mind you. It may turn some of you on and it may turn some of you off... and I really couldn't fucking care either way. I am what and who I am... and for me bdsm is very much a skill, a craft that one learns and practices, something to be appreciated and respected... an art. While I don't expect everyone to take it so seriously nor do I deny them for playing on the lighter side...somethings just piss me the fuck off. First off, Rihanna needs to be bent the fuck over and  caned for her song "S&M"... and hard! I very much have the mentally that when someone says... "I am a sadist... or "I am a masochist".... I think, "oh really? , we'll see about that...", most of the time it's a playful yet serious mentally. The push and pull. Anyone who has ever played with me knows that you get an in depth education as well. I am also extremely versatile when it comes to playing and never take on a scene unless it is something of an interest to, as mutual enjoyment is a key factor for me and for a great scene. I believe that if you say the words... I enjoy Bdsm... and here's the catch and call yourself experienced, then you should abso-fucking lutely know what BDSM stands for, because if not, you're kind of an idiot. This whole song has everyone and their mother, who has ever used a pair of handcuffs during sex stating that they are into s&m, making ignorant comments and giggles, and anyone who knows about it knows that bondage isn't S&M and a simple pair of cuffs is simply just kinky, spicing it up a little, it's not bdsm... and it is really pissing me the fuck off... BDSM isn't like playing house, it's an immersion, a state of mind you either have or don't, it's not something acquired but rather brought out and feed. It's not a game of make believe, it's not like playing house... the thing  is, while I welcome everyone and anyone who comes to me respectfully at any level of experience, those who are disrespectful to me and my beloved world and the people who inhabit it... which is very much how I feel with this new generation of idiots who think Rihanna came up with the expression, "sticks and stones make break my bones but whips and chains excite me"...  It's akin to being a lawyer and then seeing someone else claim to be one mean while he's never even passed the Bar and wouldn't know a courtroom if he was inside of one.  I have a great deal of self control, but I am surrounded by uneducated morons lately (only in my personal life, might I add... as that's usually where they tend to pop up)... also I do have an extremely sadistic side of me... so I've just been bathing in it lately... my mind dizzy with deeply depraved desires... and as I often say to a good friend of mine in the scene (an inside joke)... "I'm Queen Goddammit" and I feel like to declaring to the whole bunch of them "You're all idiots!" .... now off with your heads! I am being somewhat comical, though I am serious... do not piss in my sandbox because I will shit all over you and yours, slowly... and I will get an immense about of pleasure doing so... that my dear, sweet Rihanna and these fools who unfortunately breathe my air, is sheer sadism... take a lesson or I just may teach you one. Mental sadism... mindfucking and physical sadism... I enjoy both... on a consensual basis of course, well... for the most part ;) 


Yes, I do realize this somewhat contradicts certain things I have stated in previous posts...but there are always exceptions.. and don't tell me not to let it get to me... because I want to play with it and sadism is like soaking in a nice hot bath... it invigorates my mind and body...


I haven't edited this at all... so there may be many errors... which at the moment, I don't really fucking care about.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

A Letter to America from the Queen...

 I was sent this a few years back from a British fellow I had the great pleasure to play with. I re read it from time to time as I do get such a kick out of it.


                    A letter to America from the Queen:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas,which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
-------------------
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected
to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
-------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.
----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
--------------------
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked it... and Not because it's "Trendy" either!

Actually, I've kissed many girls for many years. I'm bisexual, but I love kissing girls. I've actually made out with a lot of straight girls as well.






I know, I look a bit evil. They were just playful phone photos we did before we shot video. I was actually wound up. I had just taken the train in in the middle of a storm and my nerves were shooting off like tiny flare guns. I hadn't quite settled into my skin yet and let's face it, she's fucking gorgeous! Funny thing about my eyes, not only did they shoot like that, I don't think I need to explain what I am referring to either, but they kept shooting like that, I think my friend got maybe a couple of photos where I didn't look demonic. I actually wish my eyes really looked like that, I'm kind of really digging it. They say that the eyes are the windows to our souls, maybe that explains it then. So I could sit here and give you all the juicy details, but I don't want to be vulgar (who stole the cookie from the cookie jar...not me!).... or I can just make you wait until the clips are ready and you can cum see for yourself. Besides it's more fun this way :) I posted the picture, I think that was plenty nice already. So, wet dreams, sleep tight, fuck off, goodnight.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What the FUCK is Wrong with some People?!

I don't even know where to begin. From time to time, someone will think I'm jaded, and I'm not. I'm just realistic and walk around with my eyes open for fuck's sake. I've been through a lot of shit, I'm going through a lot of shit, I will continue to go through a great deal of shit in my life, it's just part of it. It's the crust when you just want the filling, the chicken when you just want the skin, the ice cream when you just want the whipped cream, it just is... part of life... and don't cry for me Argentina, I get to eat the yummy part as well. Anyway, I make fun of people sometimes and I love stand up comedy, that said, I don't make fun of disabilities or sicknesses, not that I can recall. I also educate myself on a topic before I go making claims. This could just all be irritation stemming from the Yankee game last night. Fuck, I love them, but they just did not have their shit together, see, there it is again, shit, even the Yankees have it. Ooh, and Andrew Jones, I just wanted to smack that smirk right off of his face,... but then Swisher was put in to play for him.  Anyway, so here is what has gotten me all huffed and puffed this morning... in case anyone hasn't figured it out by now, I am not religious. I recently saw a picture on the internet with a group of people holding up signs saying "God hates fags"... then it had under it "re-blog if this is not your God", I like the whole movement, but ... now, here's the thing, I know some of those people and it actually is their God. They get to choose what God they believe in, not WHAT their God does. I don't get people and religion it's like they sit there and cross out all the lines that don't apply to them and their views and preach the other ones. Now, I'm not actually against it and unless I am having a debate with someone who I feel can handle it, as religion is one of the topics you want to stray away from, people get really offended when I say I don't believe in God. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite spiritual, just not religious. I know this is kind of a taboo topic too, especially considering the last few days, but when it comes to war and religion, I'm like "What the Fuck?!", I picture a bunch of "Gods" sitting around at a poker table and taking a shot every time their "side" gets one. It's so preposterous to me, that's all. I'm not religious but I'm pretty sure no God wants their followers fighting, least of all over them. It baffles me, that's all and I am sure I am going to get a number of emails in regards to this and how religious text can be interpreted in a number of ways, but I have to say, some not so much. Also, then we look at ancient times, you know, B.C.- before christmas (just kidding), and we scoff at their gods and goddesses, their deities. We even refer to it as MYTHOLOGY, damn, right there myths... but they were as real to them as any God is today. In fact, the stories are often more beautiful and thought provoking and reflect human nature more betterer (yup, not a word, you got me), anyway then "thou shall not...", because, let's face it, we're human, we have emotions and desires.Everyone lies and everyone sins. Me, personally, I don't believe there is anything wrong with sinning. It's just a word, like shit and damn and fuck and cunt and sparkle and fine and nice. Some words just allow passion, agony, betrayal, admiration and anger to flow through them more betterer ( work with me here, I still haven't slept). I didn't even mean to get on the whole God rant. So, I have also come across people who are discussing their multiple personality disorders and dissociative identity disorders and using them to seek attention. I cut when I was younger, I haven't since I was a teen, I knew a lot of girls that did, but no one ever talked about it, it was a very private thing. Now, you see people doing it just for attention left and right, and you can tell or at least I can. Clearly, they are off if they resort to those means for attention, but quite frankly, it irritates me, no, no, it irritates the fuck out of me. I have seen girls do it to keep boyfriends, and many other reasons. Now, what I have seen is the faking of MPD, which usually you don't know you have because you fucking have no recollection and it's true cases are still rareOh no, it gets better, because these people have stories that they get along with all their personalities and can speak with them, which, really isn't known to happen... and wait for it, while some people who suffer from it have had  personalities from all ages and be of both genders, now there are girls, mostly teenagers I am noticingclaim to have humans, some of other nationalities, angels and also demons that they converse with and refer to themselves as "we". I think it's just stemming from a need to feel special, different, chosen, and attention, but it's kind of like faking cancer, they are taking a life altering mental illness and playing with it... and it pisses me off. Wear black nail polish, dye your hair blue, wear a tee shirt that says Bitch on it, read a "book" on your stupid kindle... start a fire and then toss it in. I realize I come off as somewhat hostile and if I do, then watch an episode of the fucking Jersey Shore. I haven't, but every kid/teen/young adult I know loves it and I was watching the Comedy Central Roast for Trump and "the situation" was on it, yea, because when I think Donald Trump I automatically think of him, what the fuck, I have no fucking clue why, anyway, oh he was horrible, you can probably you tube it. First off, my family is from Italy and he's a total embarrassment to Italians, to America and just to the human race in general... and we wonder why other countries have issues with us? We made him a fucking celebrity! Most horrifying thing I have seen all year. My point being, this is the stuff that kids have and are growing up on now, and idolizing... aspiring to act like a schmuck and then become wealthy and famous for doing so. There's going to be a zombie apocalypse which stems from watching reality tv shows like that shit, I'm telling you, mark my words, it scares me. Okay, so let's see, that's the Yankees, God, the decline of society,  yup, end rant, I'm good...well I have my moments. ;)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Yummy Cream Pie....

Boston cream pie that is! Pervert :)


I just got back from Boston a few days ago, and that little penis of a state, florida, sorry (not really), but tell me that you haven't looked at a map at least once in your life, maybe when you were twelve and thought so. It's the penis state... and oranges, and I'm sorry (no I'm not) but when I stay in a hotel in florida and they say they have freshly squeezed orange juice, it should be freshly squeezed because I am not a fucking moron and I can fucking tell you bastards, because it never is! That's how you get a free five dollar glass of orange juice in florida. Call them on their bullshit. Maybe something is freshly squeezed in that juice but it certainly isn't oranges. It's funny, I have a dear friend that if he spoke to me early in the morning and heard that come from my mouth he would probably say something similar to... "Oh, I see what kinda mood you're in this morning" or "I see what kinda day it's gonna be". I have no idea where that came from. Sometimes, I just refuse to take things seriously. You need to joke about all the things you're able to, even though, I'm not joking about the damn juice :) ...because a lot of the times, laughing is all we can do and it does a lot more for us than we can/could imagine, also, it can be contagious, anger, hatred and ignorance certainly are. Look at a ten year old, a twenty year old, a thirty year old and so on... what's the difference... the most obvious... not intelligence, certainly not always wisdom... experience, yes, but that doesn't count for shit more than half the time. We lose that silly quality, the playfulness, the desire to spin around and around until we get dizzy and fall over. Life happens, yes, but we let it happen to us. Don't. We all started off just wanting to play and have fun, to laugh and learn. Life teaches us best, not school. Yet, so many of us wind up tired, defeated by it. Constantly fighting. Too busy living to laugh. Maybe I'm rambling. I told my 16 year neighbor... at her age I was always very kind and respectful to strangers... I don't know why, I had nothing against them I suppose. I was a cashier (and a straight A, behavioral management school kid... I was a responsible, intelligent delinquent I suppose... all my choices, I admitted it then, I'll admit it now... it wasn't because I was hanging out with the wrong group of friends *ahem*, another shining example of how we always try and pass the blame around) but people always just came natural to me, anyway... so I told her (she recently got a job as a cashier), they're gonna piss you off, they're gonna be assholes, dickheads and bitches... and rude too. Here's the thing though, just smile... it's a win/win deal. There is a good chance that they're having a bad day, week or in a bad situation and they're just taking it out on you, it's not right, but try to be nice and smile, because it might change their whole day. That there have been times when one person, somewhere, on a line, a train, a cashier, someone was nice, maybe smiled, talked, said something sweet... and it made me smile, and changed the rest of my day... and, if at heart, they're just a major fucktard, you'll just confuse them and piss them off. You can't control other people, manipulate, yes, control, no. You can only control yourself. Anything else is an illusion... and I admit, that many times, though I'm good with helping out strangers and the whole "paying it forward" concept, I do have my moments where I am just like, "Nope, not today asshole", in my head mostly... and don't fuck with me in Times Square, I loathe that place, I go there for Broadway and that's about it... or when it's raining in the city and I am walking, umbrellas are weapons... and I don't use them nor would I trust myself with one... so the city and rain, it's battle. Anyway, so Boston, was so lovely. It was a cute, little, clean, polite nyc. The people are delightful and they interact with you in a non-violent manor! It's a shame about the Red Sox though, but I'll just give them that one flaw for now. Can't fault the whole place just for that. I can't wait to go back and do some sight seeing, which I rarely do, but I am completely smitten with Boston. I also realized how many actors really do fuck up the accent as well... ouch. Much like everything else Hollywood tries to recreate, they do butcher it, with exceptions, of course. Boston warmed me in my special place... no, the other special place... *shakes head* ... pervert. The way seeing Christmas lights, listening to Christmas music, snow and all that other holiday crap does. I really love ny... I am a new yorker at heart, always will be, even when I move, but, damn I can't stand it here much longer! I suspect there may be a bit of a nomad in me, or perhaps it's just the curiosity and desire to explore... myself, other people, other cultures, the world... and Boston! I am actually considering where to go next, I am due for LA and DC, probably in June though, I think in May, it will be Chicago and I want to go someplace new, but not a really big city... maybe Ohio or Indiana, could work... if nothing else, I have never been to either one. I'll have to take a gander and give it some thought over the next few days. Fuck paragraphs, my brain doesn't separate my thoughts, so, fuck 'em. Also, I like sparkly objects... and guns.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

"There's No Crying in Baseball" ... and I Kind of Gave a Compliment to the Red Sox and then Pigs Flew...

So, this is not going to be one of my more mentally stimulating posts... because I caught a touch of stupidity last night. I haven't had a night out in a good six months, no joke. Sometimes I like to, sometimes I just don't. I go through stages, and I've been in a homebody stage lately, and just got caught up dealing with a crap load of shit on top of shit. So it was around midnight last night, and I was just waking up... yes, I have a horrible sleep schedule, bouts of insomnia and my body tells me to go fuck myself whenever I make an effort to regulate it. So I just deal. So, a gf I haven't seen since thanksgiving called me, she had been wrapped up in her own shit. She wanted to go out, catch up and I was kind of like, you know, okay, why not. Well, now I know why not. I haven't really drank all that much in months, a glass or two of wine here or there, or beer. Haven't had a drop of liquor since october. Anyway, so we go to this quiet little wine bar, order a bottle of pinot grigio, I don't know what the fuck it was, she ordered it, but it wasn't good. We caught up, yay, good for us, that was nice. Then... she gets a call. Let's go here. It was a little after 2am, oddly enough I wasn't totally not feeling the idea. I hadn't had a nice girls out in a long time. Here's the thing, I had never been to the place, but it did have more of a mature, upscale not frat house style reputation to it. Thankfully, because I hate those places. So we walk in, fuck the cover charge. We meet up with her friend, total sweetheart. The music was great, a mix of 80s and 90s dance. Then I bump into the one guy I had a date with in the last six months. Did I mention it sucked. The only date I had gone on, because I just have had no desire, and forced myself to and it sucked and thus no desire. The room is packed and somehow this fucker finds me. It really didn't matter, because apparently no one had any communication skills or the ability to hold an intelligent conversation. So I found someone that showed promise, not so hard to shine in a crowd of melee apples. That may not be the best analogy, I don't care. So, I wind up taking care of my friend, because, she's the type to let guys buy her shots and I won't unless I'm actually going to hang out with them and I only had one glass of wine there and... she's a lightweight. I have to say this guy was really cool, I've seen guys be total dicks about it, they just don't get that I'm not going to leave a friend I came with. And yes, she's bisexual and I'm bi, so we have made out in the past, because I know half of you are/were wondering. Anyway, this new dickhead drives me home. I never do that, but he was pretty decent, because I had to drive her home in her car and then I would have had to call a cab. He just had a personality and seemed intelligent, and he did and was, it just wasn't a very good one and he lacked the ability to be open minded. Here's where the dickhead part came in. We were having a promising conversation, and then we got into a debate about... yup, baseball. The Yankees. He was a Mets fan, that wasn't the problem. Problem was, I can have a heated discussion and not take it personally, he couldn't. Not only that, but he couldn't debate it for shit, because he had no input, hiss only stance was to constantly challenge me and tell me I was wrong. The fact was we were discussing opinions, so by definition I couldn't be wrong. He didn't get that, he couldn't answer any direct questions and refused to give an opinion other than that mine was wrong. Real nice shiny apple, right? I think he just didn't know as much about baseball or the games as I did but didn't want to admit to it, because he was able to debate prior shit. So other than just saying so, which would have been fine to admit but I guess some guys don't like girls who know more about baseball than they do, I don't know, I don't care frankly. He constantly was trying to turn the table round and round and take control over the conversation. It doesn't really work with me and I really didn't care. I think he had a lot of insecurity issues. He even told my friend he thought all attractive girls were bitches. I didn't find that out until a little later.  There's smart, there's intelligent, there's being open minded, there's a lot that comes into play. More than just intelligent and not so much. So I mentioned something about how it's important to not be so narrow minded as to not be able to at least step outside yourself and look at other people's points of view and how I may be a Yankees fan, but I can watch the tigers or the red sox and appreciate some of their players and the potential they display. Then he made the dickhead comment. When I said the part about the red sox, he said and I quote, "See, now I know you know nothing about baseball and are just another dumb woman.". Yes, I know!!! I got insulted for sort of complimenting the Red Sox of all things!!! So needless to say at this point, I took it personally. I didn't flip out or anything, it just wasn't worth it and I knew for a good half hour it was over, maybe more. I just kinda was having fun letting off steam, even if, ultimately I was having a one sided debate. I also, liked seeing the irritation in him build, it was amusing. Also, you can call me anything you want, it's not going to get to me or shake me. It's going to go in one ear and right out the other. Not because I'm stubborn, even though I am, but because I know what I am and what I'm not. Now if he would have said bitch, I would have probably said "sometimes, yea", but dumb, not in the least bit and I know it. I'm not arrogant either, just secure.  So, I stepped out of his car a little while after that, there was more annoying shit coming out of his mouth... finally he had something to say. I closed the door and was fully prepared to not be the bitch I felt building up inside of me. I wasn't either... but.... he made some dumbass comment about making sure I shut the door all the way and it was nasty, so  I re-opened it and told him to "shut it his fucking self" and walked away. So, I stayed in bed stupid for a few hours. It passed, luckily I don't think I caught anything serious. So this about sums it up... "Argghhhh!!!!", that's my utter, shining, brilliance of the day. I warned, I stated, not my most intellectually stimulating post. Just be careful, stupid is out there, they haven't quite figured out a way to quarantine it yet. It's spreading like wildfire...  Wear a mask, plug up your ears, your asses, do whatever you have to avoid catching it as I do believe there's no known cure.

Clearly, I am being dramatic and joking. So let me just state... there's no fucking crying in baseball, but there are idiots. Here's the thing to. I did text him after that thanking him for helping me with my friend, driving me home, and just stating that I didn't take it personally until he called me dumb and that was just rude and disrespectful and that was something i did not and do not tolerate. Nothing nasty, I did appreciate it. Just because someone has dickhead moments doesn't mean they are, and I do think that was the case with him. I think he was just insecure. I think he didn't exactly know how to handle me, it happens... and the Yankees still rule!!!

Friday, April 1, 2011

An Apple a Day, Keeps the Doctor Away...It's Totally True, I Read it on Wikipedia...

Coming soon...

(I took a break to masturbate, so I'll be back when I feel like it to continue my rant) and no, you can't watch... you can go fuck your own self though. That is something I completely condone. Bye for now.

Ooh... and go Yankees! 

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

"They"

"Who made up all the rules?
We follow them like fools,
Believe them to be true,
Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

And it's ironic too
'Cause what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way

And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Who are they?
Where are they?
How can they possibly
Know all this?
Who are they?
Where are they?
How can they possibly
Know all this?

Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?
Is it because it's true
That ignorance is bliss?

Who are they?
Where are they?
How do they
Know all this?
And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this

Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?
Is it because it's true
That ignorance is bliss?

And who are they?
Where are they?
How can they
Know all this?
And I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry we do this"

-Jem

If you followed my original blog, as I know many of you have, you will recall that I have a distinct fondness for posting the lyrics of certain favorite songs of mine. This is one of them, They by Jem, I highly recommend at least looking it up on you tube and listening to it at least once, because along with great lyrics, it's actually quite a good song and I am a big fan of the artist. Given my recent rants and what has been circling my mind lately, it seemed a fitting song to throw in. The reason I don't post the video is because it would detract one from the words, so if you like the lyrics, look it up yourself, simple concept. Given the insane amount of power that celebrities hold (just look at what happened with Roman Polanski), the sexual sluttiness but lack of progressiveness in this country, how we see individuals and value them based on their occupation and bank accounts, rather than for the people they are, the growing rate and also decline of a myriad of shit (I could says things or use some other word, but shit just really seems to fit the profile, because that is what it is, it is shit) so, a myriad of shit it is, that I won't get into right now, but simply put, really fucking suck... and given the state of this country, I'm not even going to include the rest of the world in this right now. Just American chaos and society alone, the security and faith, sorry the false sense of it, all tends to come from the oh so powerful source of "They", and we give them that power time and time again, in so many ways, even in just our everyday actions and words alone. Much the way true submission is given not taken. "We" submit to "Them" ... and I am truly sorry for it. So sorry.

I just want to add, in case someone emails me in regards to it, that I am aware of the grammatical use of the word myriad and the debate over the proper use of the word... noun versus adjective, ancient times versus now, yea, I don't give a fuck. Which reminds me "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much" ... commonly misused myriadically (no, that is not an actual word, I am just making/having fun). Anyway, when I hear someone actually throw that phrase in, because it is so well known and a lot of people think they are being cute, I kinda can't help but cringe. First off, I believe it's misquoted, secondly, and this is where I am sure, where we commonly associate it with objection, in Shakespeare's day it was actually meant as an affirmation, as though she insisted too strongly. We've all experienced that before, when someone vehemently declares "trust me" or "I did" or " I am", over and over again to the extent that it's kinda like, I don't know, the lady doth protest too much... basically, you're overdoing it in some way, shape or form and thus me thinks it is a load of crap.

Another thing to add, I will admit to being a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to grammar and english in general. Misuse of different forms of the same word, incorrect spelling, use of the word brung... it is not a word... (only I get to make up words)...using words such as deers *ahem*, the use of good in place of well, the use of mad in place of angry, while these sort of errors commonly draw my attention, I do commit many crimes myself. A common one, for me, is the run on sentence. I have been guilty of it since grade school. My thoughts tend to run on, thus when I speak my sentences run on and so forth. This is, I believe is one of the breakable rules. I have seen, not scene, but seen or rather I have read, that's a question of semantics, anyway, novelists who have written whole paragraphs as one giant run on sentence. I have done it countless times. So, I say, if you happen to not be a fan of the run on sentence, and find yourself to be a stickler for periods when you feel they are due... you can stick a tampon in it.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

An Interesting Twist, on One of my Favorite Fables...

A frog was hopping along in the forest, heading home to her family, when all of a sudden she came upon a small river. Now, the frog, being a great swimmer as frogs are, was about to leap into the river in order to cross it - when she heard a voice:
"Is there any chance, kind lady, that you can help me across this river? For I cannot swim."

The frog turned toward the direction of the voice, and was startled to see a scorpion moving toward her on the river bank. Now, everyone knows the history of scorpions - they sting and have a deadly poison. So the frog was understandably a bit frightened, and trembled as she asked the scorpion:

"If I help you across the river, will you promise not to sting me? You see, I am on the way home to my family and they would miss me terribly."

The scorpion answered:

"Kind lady, I understand your concern, but I too am on the way home to my family, and if I sting you, we would both drown, and who wants that? Besides, contrary to what you may have heard, I only sting for self defense - like if a fox should try to eat me. Please do me this great favor - I would be so grateful!"

The frog considered the scorpion's words, which didn't seem like the words of a killer. She thought to herself: "I mean no harm to the scorpion, why should he sting me? If he stings me, we will both drown, and he must value life as much as I. If I help him, he will be my friend - because he knows that I am a nice frog. As my friend, the scorpion would surely tell all the other scorpions that I am a friend, and that they too should never sting me! And they wouldn't sting my frog family or my frog friends either! And we frogs would be more than happy to help all scorpions cross the rivers! And maybe all the scorpions would help protect all the frogs and other small creatures from the truly dangerous creatures of the forest!"

By this time, the frog was so excited about helping the scorpion that she didn't want to even start thinking of reasons not to help. Besides the danger was too scary to think about - compared to the wonderful future that awaits the frogs and other small creatures of the forest with this new era of cooperation. "It will truly be a paradise.", she thought. So the frog crouched down and let the scorpion jump onto her back. She then hopped into the river with the scorpion on her back and began swimming - and she swam beautifully, as frogs do. But when they got to the middle of the river she felt something painful in her side.

"Ouch!" said the frog, "What was that???"

"I just stung you.", said the scorpion.

The frog began to feel the poison take effect. It became harder for her to move, harder to swim. She thought about the paradise of universalistic brotherhood that could have been, and she cried out to the scorpion:

"Why did you do that?! Now we will both drown - we could have been friends! Perhaps you can save yourself; swim to the other side!"

But it was too late, and scorpions can't swim. As they began to sink, the scorpion answered:

"I am not like you; we don't care about dying or making friends. We lie and sting. It is our nature, didn't you know that?"

The frog and the scorpion sank fast to the bottom of the river, and the frog thought about the scorpion's question.

"Yes.", thought the frog, still puzzled that frogs and scorpions should think and act differently, after all, they are both small creatures of the forest. "Maybe I said or did something to anger him...?!", thought the frog.


-Author Unknown...still

I adore the original version of this tale, always have, even as a child it struck a chord in me. The one, essential line that says it all... "I could not help myself, it is my nature". So when I saw that someone had written a new twist on it, I read it, skeptical though because I do believe classics should remain that way, for most often they're rarely improved upon and seldom matched. Though I found myself, smiling. I suppose they made it a bit more user friendly, so to speak. All the things the original gave us, without saying, that made us think, this included. The cliffs notes version more or less. Still, it remains a favorite tale of mine. At our very core, we cannot help ourselves, it is, truly, in our nature. There is no line, nothing that expresses it as bluntly as so. That said, we do have different natures. The frog, would have always given the scorpion a ride, and the scorpion would have always stung him/her. We are what and who we are. The thing that made me laugh towards the end was that the frog was questioning whether she, herself, was at fault. It links back to our inability to see others natures, understand them, if they are not in sync with our own. The fact of the matter is, people rarely change, we do, but it is rare. This is why we see people riding the merry go round over and over again, each time, complaining because it is not the ride they want to take, and yet they continue to get back on the damn thing. Thus, we have the definition of insanity. The inability to step away from ourselves and change our patterns... If I were the frog, I would say no, easy for me to sit here and type that, knowing how it ends, but, the scorpion was no friend of mine and I am not a fan of the odds nor am I a fan of gambling, particularly roulette, of the russian nature. If I were the scorpion, I would have been a patient one and stung the bastard at the shore, if that were my nature. That's me now, not me 5 years ago, however... but that thus defeats the essential purpose of the story, we are who we are... we just have to learn to accept that and be comfortable with it, though oddly enough, as human beings and we can even see this is horror/thriller movies... dramas, tv shows, we have that essential, burning desire, to know why? That's why we open the door in the middle of a horror film and see if anyone is outside. When really, it can just be as simple as, because I can and because it's who I am. It is in my nature... but many of us, I believe,  don't know our own natures... or we our frogs that wish to be scorpions. That's why I think I always admired the scorpion, not for his actions, but because, he knew, that was who he was and didn't apologize for it, he just accepted it and drowned... and though he didn't fight to live, he didn't fight himself while he lived.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

There is No Other Woman...

Often, I am asked how much of my persona is me and how much of it is an act. Truth is, there is little, if any distinction. When you meet me, you're meeting me. I think anyone whoever has senses that. The deviousness that haunts the mind of Aurora Storms, also haunts my own. The playfulness and wit. We both have our secrets, because sometimes wicked things should stay that way. We are both open and quite hard to offend, we are both fierce and yet sensual, caring and loyal. We both hate to be lied to, and yet find it extraordinary that so many people are capable of lying to themselves on a daily basis because we can't understand the need to or the desire. Though we do understand the fear. In fact Aurora is more me than... well, "what's in a name..." Even my blackberry says Aurora on it and this is why I am headed to CT to live in my own little world, to create the world I live in and bring it to life for others to enjoy as well. I go to extremes for my ideals, for myself, my convictions and close loved ones. I know what I want and I am more than content with who I am. I could live anywhere, or I could create someplace... it's obvious and some might say unhealthy, but to be blunt, I really don't give a fuck, it's not their life. It's not their choice. Isn't that the whole point of free will or does it even really exist anymore if in fact it ever did. I went after my own happiness first, I found it in me and I continue to feed it. I may be selfish, but I'm happy and passionate about my life and what I aim to create. I couldn't find a path I wanted to stroll down so I took a knife, hacked through the branches and created one and I continue to do so... keep following me, you'll see exactly what I mean over the next few years. I'm going to recreate the bdsm scene to where I imagine it to be, where many of us have grown bored and tired, disenchanted with it, it will become, I will push it to...levels of depravity uncalled for, intense, raw... real...a place of decadence, unrestrained, creative and unprecedented.

The biggest fool is often the one looking back at you in the mirror. I may be many things, but I am no fool. I am only me, it's all I know how to be. I may channel different parts and emotions, but I don't fake them, they exist inside of me and I wish only to release them. So no, there is no other woman... I love and am, only myself, regardless of name. "So what if you can see the darkest side of me"?