Thursday, May 12, 2011

A Letter to America from the Queen...

 I was sent this a few years back from a British fellow I had the great pleasure to play with. I re read it from time to time as I do get such a kick out of it.

                    A letter to America from the Queen:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas,which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected
to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked it... and Not because it's "Trendy" either!

Actually, I've kissed many girls for many years. I'm bisexual, but I love kissing girls. I've actually made out with a lot of straight girls as well.

I know, I look a bit evil. They were just playful phone photos we did before we shot video. I was actually wound up. I had just taken the train in in the middle of a storm and my nerves were shooting off like tiny flare guns. I hadn't quite settled into my skin yet and let's face it, she's fucking gorgeous! Funny thing about my eyes, not only did they shoot like that, I don't think I need to explain what I am referring to either, but they kept shooting like that, I think my friend got maybe a couple of photos where I didn't look demonic. I actually wish my eyes really looked like that, I'm kind of really digging it. They say that the eyes are the windows to our souls, maybe that explains it then. So I could sit here and give you all the juicy details, but I don't want to be vulgar (who stole the cookie from the cookie jar...not me!).... or I can just make you wait until the clips are ready and you can cum see for yourself. Besides it's more fun this way :) I posted the picture, I think that was plenty nice already. So, wet dreams, sleep tight, fuck off, goodnight.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What the FUCK is Wrong with some People?!

I don't even know where to begin. From time to time, someone will think I'm jaded, and I'm not. I'm just realistic and walk around with my eyes open for fuck's sake. I've been through a lot of shit, I'm going through a lot of shit, I will continue to go through a great deal of shit in my life, it's just part of it. It's the crust when you just want the filling, the chicken when you just want the skin, the ice cream when you just want the whipped cream, it just is... part of life... and don't cry for me Argentina, I get to eat the yummy part as well. Anyway, I make fun of people sometimes and I love stand up comedy, that said, I don't make fun of disabilities or sicknesses, not that I can recall. I also educate myself on a topic before I go making claims. This could just all be irritation stemming from the Yankee game last night. Fuck, I love them, but they just did not have their shit together, see, there it is again, shit, even the Yankees have it. Ooh, and Andrew Jones, I just wanted to smack that smirk right off of his face,... but then Swisher was put in to play for him.  Anyway, so here is what has gotten me all huffed and puffed this morning... in case anyone hasn't figured it out by now, I am not religious. I recently saw a picture on the internet with a group of people holding up signs saying "God hates fags"... then it had under it "re-blog if this is not your God", I like the whole movement, but ... now, here's the thing, I know some of those people and it actually is their God. They get to choose what God they believe in, not WHAT their God does. I don't get people and religion it's like they sit there and cross out all the lines that don't apply to them and their views and preach the other ones. Now, I'm not actually against it and unless I am having a debate with someone who I feel can handle it, as religion is one of the topics you want to stray away from, people get really offended when I say I don't believe in God. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite spiritual, just not religious. I know this is kind of a taboo topic too, especially considering the last few days, but when it comes to war and religion, I'm like "What the Fuck?!", I picture a bunch of "Gods" sitting around at a poker table and taking a shot every time their "side" gets one. It's so preposterous to me, that's all. I'm not religious but I'm pretty sure no God wants their followers fighting, least of all over them. It baffles me, that's all and I am sure I am going to get a number of emails in regards to this and how religious text can be interpreted in a number of ways, but I have to say, some not so much. Also, then we look at ancient times, you know, B.C.- before christmas (just kidding), and we scoff at their gods and goddesses, their deities. We even refer to it as MYTHOLOGY, damn, right there myths... but they were as real to them as any God is today. In fact, the stories are often more beautiful and thought provoking and reflect human nature more betterer (yup, not a word, you got me), anyway then "thou shall not...", because, let's face it, we're human, we have emotions and desires.Everyone lies and everyone sins. Me, personally, I don't believe there is anything wrong with sinning. It's just a word, like shit and damn and fuck and cunt and sparkle and fine and nice. Some words just allow passion, agony, betrayal, admiration and anger to flow through them more betterer ( work with me here, I still haven't slept). I didn't even mean to get on the whole God rant. So, I have also come across people who are discussing their multiple personality disorders and dissociative identity disorders and using them to seek attention. I cut when I was younger, I haven't since I was a teen, I knew a lot of girls that did, but no one ever talked about it, it was a very private thing. Now, you see people doing it just for attention left and right, and you can tell or at least I can. Clearly, they are off if they resort to those means for attention, but quite frankly, it irritates me, no, no, it irritates the fuck out of me. I have seen girls do it to keep boyfriends, and many other reasons. Now, what I have seen is the faking of MPD, which usually you don't know you have because you fucking have no recollection and it's true cases are still rareOh no, it gets better, because these people have stories that they get along with all their personalities and can speak with them, which, really isn't known to happen... and wait for it, while some people who suffer from it have had  personalities from all ages and be of both genders, now there are girls, mostly teenagers I am noticingclaim to have humans, some of other nationalities, angels and also demons that they converse with and refer to themselves as "we". I think it's just stemming from a need to feel special, different, chosen, and attention, but it's kind of like faking cancer, they are taking a life altering mental illness and playing with it... and it pisses me off. Wear black nail polish, dye your hair blue, wear a tee shirt that says Bitch on it, read a "book" on your stupid kindle... start a fire and then toss it in. I realize I come off as somewhat hostile and if I do, then watch an episode of the fucking Jersey Shore. I haven't, but every kid/teen/young adult I know loves it and I was watching the Comedy Central Roast for Trump and "the situation" was on it, yea, because when I think Donald Trump I automatically think of him, what the fuck, I have no fucking clue why, anyway, oh he was horrible, you can probably you tube it. First off, my family is from Italy and he's a total embarrassment to Italians, to America and just to the human race in general... and we wonder why other countries have issues with us? We made him a fucking celebrity! Most horrifying thing I have seen all year. My point being, this is the stuff that kids have and are growing up on now, and idolizing... aspiring to act like a schmuck and then become wealthy and famous for doing so. There's going to be a zombie apocalypse which stems from watching reality tv shows like that shit, I'm telling you, mark my words, it scares me. Okay, so let's see, that's the Yankees, God, the decline of society,  yup, end rant, I'm good...well I have my moments. ;)