I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want.
I can never train myself in all the skills I want.
And why do I want?
I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life.
And I am horribly limited."
Perhaps there does exist an age of innocence, however, innocence is always lost. And this world will always have it so. I don't know who that girl was, but that girl is a large part of the reason I know who I am today. I find her sometimes, I try and recall, the memories are all still there, they always will be, though the connection to them has all but disappeared. It's no longer. She's a ghost from my past that haunts my soul. She is as a reflection in a window that is barely visible, a fading image, that reflects me no longer. Sometimes you think, you believe that there are things you could never do… until you can, until you have to. You never know what you could do until it comes along, until then it's really just speculation. Because just like that, it becomes a thought, it's given life in your mind, it's given breath on your tongue and just like that it becomes an action... it's becomes a reality. This can apply to almost anything in life, something thought of as "good", something deemed "bad", something weak, something strong… it's just a matter of perspective, opinion, interpretation...assumptions. So most of us live with our secrets in this world that demands and begs for the truth but refuses to acknowledge it and can but will not tolerate it. When really we are all just variations of puzzles, enigmas desperate to be explored, and some of us with glowing light and an endless darkness in our minds. Beautiful paradoxes. Beautiful Storms. "I rebel, therefore I exist."
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” -A.C.
I could always see normal, conventional. I've always stood outside of it and I still do at times. I've peered, I entered, I dared to step inside but I always knew I was a merely a visitor, I could always feel that I didn't belong. It simply wasn't want I wanted. What I craved most from this life. I watched though, I was in awe of the routine, the complacency, of how slowly it moved… even though everyone was in a such a frantic, stressful rush to go absolutely no where. Still, it moved, round and round in the same busy little circle and I... I was always just a supporting character in other people's vanilla flavored, "normal" lives. And If I tried, I couldn't have it, it was too late for me, and I didn't want it, not truly. Not really. However, I will admit, that I wondered about it, and a part of me longed for it, a part of me wanted to want it, I won't deny that. Though, I wanted the dream, I wanted the movie, I wanted the Christmas Special… I wanted the perfect family and the big family dinners filled with laughter and memories...but that's a dream, a fantasy and nothing is perfect. The perfect family would become boring, the memories filled with resentment and regret, the laughter would cease overtime, and the dinners and decorations would distract from the hidden desires and yearnings. The anger and the tears from passion lost, from lust denied, from a gaping hunger no amount of food could fill. Besides, I knew myself, I know myself, enough to know that it's not for me. That life will never be right for me. My happiness, my adventures, they lie elsewhere. I just don't like the color, I tried it on, I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself, it was all big vintage bows and stained lace frills, which just didn't look good on me. It didn't, it doesn't, it will never feel right. And so, like a sad, wet puppy dog, I wanted to go inside, but like a fierce watch dog, I knew it wasn't safe… and I wasn't house trained, so I'd probably shit all over the place.
“There are crimes of passion and crimes of logic...
The boundary between them is not clearly defined." -A.C.