Thursday, July 21, 2011

I am Leaving Them Damn Yankees...

So, by now many of you know that I am in the middle of moving to Ct. Which I have planned to do for some time now but had to put off because both my father and then myself became ill. In different ways, but still. While I am extremely excited about this new space in Ct. I love it, it's amazing and the possibilities seem endless. It's raw and I have the opportunity to do just about anything my imagination can dream up. Amazing but I do get lost inside my own mind and invite the wickedness which resides there to become realized. The transition however is having an impact on me that I wasn't quite anticipating. I love Ct, it's always felt right for me. It's so beautiful. I am going to give it a test run for a few years to be sure. It's also fairly close to my family and friends in ny, as well as to Boston and DC. Also, I like visiting the west coast and the south but I enjoy the north east coast most... as well as all four seasons! Yes, I do bitch in the winter that it's too cold and in the summer that it's too hot but I enjoy them all for what they offer. Except the god damn spiders! Someone please do something about them! Yes, I am aware it will throw off our whole ecological system, but it just may be a risk I am willing to take. Anyway, I am experiencing now, from spending a few nights in the building that I am homesick. The other day when I drove here, it hit me when I saw a Ct license plate and thought "where the fuck are they from?"… I will no longer live in new york, I'll always be a new yorker at heart but just not live there. That said, Ct has prettier license plates than ny, especially since they changed to this horrid deep yellow color that clashes with every car and color. So, while I've lived on long island, in queens, in brooklyn and in the city and while I've traveled to a number of states, I've never had an issue with it. There were times when I was like, "Fuck, I need to be home like now!", but that was more or less because I hate the travel back, I'm fucking exhausted and just want to be in my own damn bed. So when this strange feeling hit me, I wasn't quite prepared for it and it took me off guard and a minute to identify this odd, unsettling feeling. I have felt it before when I was a child and perhaps once or twice as an adult, but not quite exactly in this fashion. I have this feeling, I will no longer be able to simply take a drive and go see my father, I can't go pick up my girlfriend or meet another one for drinks, I can't see my favorite puppy in the whole world and his stupid, happy face that makes me smile for absolutely no other reason than pure untainted love. I will have no idea what's going on with my annoying neighbors that I have known for a long time and constantly fill my world with endless and needless irritation and gossip. I have moved around a fair amount, but always within ny. There are some trips that are a couple hours away that seem shorter or just tiring, and then there are trips like this one, where I feel so very far away. I feel lonely. I know Ct, but I don't know it. I have a friend or two here, but I don't know anyone else. I don't know the highways or the roads, I don't know the stores. It may as well be in another language at this point. I'm not scared so much, I'm just homesick for ny and easy access to the people I care about and for the places and the state I am familiar with, and yes, even the people who fill my life with drama and drive me nuts and who I can't wait to get the fuck away from. I miss home. I know things will change overtime and I will meet new people and feel comfortable driving about.  Ct will become my new home, but I don't feel that way just yet and I feel like a video game character whose player just picked them up and dragged them to the other end of the screen and plopped them down there. I want to just take my stuff and get in my truck and drive back home as fast as I can... but I know I can't run simply because it's uncomfortable. It would be easier, but the easy way doesn't tend to get anyone very far. Most importantly, this is what I want, however daunting it may be in the next few months or even longer. Staying within my comfort zone is not something I am comfortable living with. It is not acceptable and there is no justifiable reason for me. Just excuses, which I try not to allow myself to have or give into. I can't even have a house warming party because no one will come see me, dammit! I am not even kidding you, the people I know do not leave unless it's for a vacation, that or everyone has kids and can't. Also I would have to explain all the hooks and D rings and such... and no, no that's not a mini ferris wheel... no, no that saddle is not for horse. Please don't play with that you might electrocute yourself. It's a good thing I know how to change a flat by myself. If you build it, they will come, yes, I do believe that, but there were/are no specifications as to who the fuck "they" are and I doubt Rob Lowe will be showing up at my door. Kudos to you if you get that reference. Yes, I just used the word kudos. Fuck you.

Also, total side note, I have, for the first time, opened up my yahoo messenger so I am available to chat. I ask that you please email me first before messaging me on it and identify yourself with your email address since I tend to have a great memory of them and not with names. You remember how before caller ID you would pick up a phone call and someone would be like, "Hey John, it's me, how have you been?" and then you play the game of asking them questions for the next ten minutes until you figure out who the fuck "me" is?  So, even if you state your name, unless it's something fairly uncommon like... Pluto (still a planet, sorry) , then I may have one of those moments. Email addresses on the other hand, I am superb with. 

No comments:

Post a Comment