Thursday, July 14, 2011


Yes, I do realize the correct form for what I am asking is bear, I was merely kidding considering my lifestyle and this post. I wanted to put out there, not to give an excuse just an explanation as I do feel there's a difference. To put simply, I feel that an excuse is kind of like saying, "I did it but I couldn't really help it or it's not my fault or yadayadaya..." , where as an explanation is more honest, I suppose, sort of like "Yup, I did it, I acted like an asshole, and that's that, but this is why". You're not excusing your behavior you're just explaining it. I think, a lot of times people fail to see the difference, but me being a curious curious creature, I seek out the explanations. So, here it goes. Sometimes I will send an email response in a few hours and sometimes it will be a few days. I don't fuck with my emails and they are very specific to each person I correspond with. So instead of sending out some generic shit email with a few lines, I'd rather wait and respond with a detailed and case by case response. Also, the majority of my emails are at least a paragraph long and many times quite few. I am saying that because sometimes people will apologize for writing to me at length, don't apologize, I prefer them that way. The connection is easier established and I genuinely enjoy reading them all. The minute I read your first email, I'm trying to get inside your head. I can't take you to a destination if I don't know where you want to go, and when I do, I need to figure out how to best get you there. When I open them up I get a form of excitement akin to opening up a fresh novel and settling in for a good read. I literally have piles and piles of books scattered about that I do knock over a little more often than just sometimes.  Anyways, at times, unfortunately it takes me longer, it can be due to various reasons. Sometimes I get carpal tunnel, at least I am pretty sure that's what it is and it would make sense. I'm am very anti drugs, legal ones, pharmaceuticals. I rarely, rarely take anything. I take pain killers maybe twice a year, other than that, nothing. I don't get vaccines. I only take antibiotics if there's surgery involved. I've been studying alternative medicine and nutrition for about ten years and I don't push it on anyone, it's my lifestyle. Though, I do have a skeleton in my closet that I am not ashamed of, but don't talk about in my professional life that much, though I have to some and to a light extent. It's an extremely vulnerable and private thing for me, which I don't have many things that are, but fuck it,  apparently now I'm about to pop open the fucking lid. I do get severe panic attacks, not the kind that make you jittery, the kind that feel like heart attacks or sometimes if you can think of what a sore muscle feels like, sometimes it feels like that but in my heart. Which is odd and scary because we don't really experience that awareness of our hearts often. It started about 5 or so years ago. It's my body's smoke alarm. I believe our bodies know best, we just don't really know how to listen to them anymore, so we ignore the messages they send us and take drugs to make them go away. Once again, my opinion. My body, when it's holding too much of an emotion inside, freaks out. I can express my emotions well and have a great deal of control over myself but there was a time out of fear that I couldn't, and thus they began. I dealt with the issue causing them and they went away. It gave me a further remarkable appreciation for our minds. Doctor after doctor told me there wasn't anything wrong, my feelings weren't real and thus disregarded my suffering, it was irritating but that my mind could produce such strong feelings that had no validation, was well, agonizing but truly remarkable. Nothing was wrong with my body and yet so much was wrong because my mind said so. So, there are many people I do not give a shit about crossing but my own mind, I won't fuck with that. Years went by and I was and remain quite happy, content, satisfied and that part didn't go away but last year I once again held too much inside and I shouldn't have. I was deeply hurt and angry (no not an ex bf/gf) and justifiably so. So, I respected someone that no longer deserved my respect and I respected them way past the point that I needed to. I could have dealt with it in a respectable manner that also allowed me to express myself. I didn't though. The panic attacks came back full force. When I say release anger, I don't mean beat someone up or yell at them, there are healthy ways of articulating ones anger and/or dealing with it. Sometimes there are just fun ones, lol. Anger has such negative sound to it and most people view it as such. It's fine to get, to be angry, it's one form of passion. It's natural. I think it's important to allow yourself to feel however you are, especially when it's a not a happy feeling, I think if we don't allow ourselves to feel it, examine it, we can't release it and let it go. Gaining control over are emotions and ourselves in turn, is so important, but not ignoring them, not denying them. Anyway, I went on xanax, which most people including doctors don't know a lot about and you really have to do a little bit of digging to understand. It's a horrible drug and should have been banned a long time ago. I have my therapist, I go to him every few months for a tune up and have been for years. Most therapists I can't stand but I adore him. He's frank, non judge mental, old school but funny and doesn't try to force his opinions on you. He knew that when I went on it last summer, that it was short term, most doctors will try and make you believe you have a disease and can't live without whatever they are pushing. I went to a women therapist once, mine was away, and she asked me what I was going to take after the xanax and I was like, "umm, nothing" and the look on her face was priceless because she couldn't comprehend that, it completely fucking baffled her. What a joke, no understanding of people, her degree should be revoked but things are just retarded like that at times. At a lot of times. The thing is, doctors get a lot of money to push drugs on you and many don't want you to get better, because you wouldn't need to go to them then. I'm not saying all doctors are like that, but there are a many of them, especially shrinks. Sometimes they are just taught it in college. That the body is whole unit, that concept is not a popular one in the US. It's not something a lot of doctors are taught or study, so many are unaware of, well, a lot. If you were content, would you need the weekly sessions? Spend it on something completely selfish that makes you happy and helps promote confidence, whatever that maybe for you. It will do you a lot better in the long run. I don't mean retail therapy either. If you have a rat in your house, don't seal up all the rooms with yourself inside, find the damn rat and kick it the fuck out. We don't need a zombie apocalypse, we have one. I am actually sorry if anyone is reading this and feels offended, they're some people that need medicine for certain mental illnesses but not nearly as many as those that are on them. If you are going to take them, they should be short term. If there's something wrong, evaluate your life and yourself, it's there, just don't give up on yourself. Don't tell me I'm too young or whatever cliche shit comes to mind. I was in the hospital when I was younger for severe depression that lasted years, I cut myself when I was younger, in my late teenage years I was quite bulimic and I was in a physically abusive relationship for a few years. I know what it feels like to be at a completely crippling, hopeless point that feels endless and I know the pain and tears that accompany it, an exhausting fight against yourself not to breath, but to live. I hated being a victim, I always did and have, and I found myself being one, I found myself holding my tongue and many, many other things. All those things though, I would never, ever take back because those things also helped me to find and to know myself. To find the love I have for myself over all and everyone else. Also, if nothing else, most of those drugs kill your libido. So back to anyway, anyway I took the xanax which as it is, works for a bit and I tried to deal with my issue, which sucked because I remained passive about it for another bit. Then I realized, too long on the xanax, it's approved for 4 weeks in the UK and 8 in the USit should be banned. I was on it for months. So I started to ween off of it, which you have to, I was on a very high dosage but regardless you have to. It was my second time off of it and for some reason it was a lot harder. Like pregnancy? I don't know. Actually, it was hell. It was fucking hell. There were times when I had to stop working/playing altogether I got very sick, many times. I could list the symptoms but there were so many. They're common if you dig around on boards and forums. Mental and actual physical effects. I didn't know how sick I would be. I didn't know how bad it would get. I didn't know when one symptom would end...when some other would begin. I just didn't know. Your central nervous system has to re regulate and goes stark raving mad and it tries to take you with it. I don't deal well with being down that long, I push and push myself and don't give myself a lot of slack. So it was very stressful and frustrating on top of everything else. There were times when my mind wanted to but my body couldn't and times when my body could and my mind could not. One of the reason xanax is so hard to stop and you should never go cold turkey once you pass those four weeks, is because you can have a seizure, and though most doctors will tell you it's rare, it's certainly not uncommon and you could end up in the hospital for a mental breakdown quite easily. Which, I almost did and I was weening, just too fast. I did deal with my issue though, there's a point I get to with anyone, I just go, you know what, fuck this, my body is not happy with you and I have no more patience for your shit. I'm not usually mean about it, I just don't tolerate it. So I have a lot of patience, but I only have so much and in the end, I care about my health and the love I have for myself more than pretty much everybody. I'm happy though. We all get bruised going through life, emotionally and physically, I don't know of anyone who hasn't. I don't doubt that was the last time for me. I just think it's how we deal with and that we deal with, rather than chose to ignore, because it's easier. Many of us don't like confrontation, but if you don't force yourself, it will become a habit and a hard one to break. It's so easy to stay in a miserable situation merely because it's comfortable. I don't think it's having experiences that count that much, but learning from experiences and not taking just misery away from them. That said, I like my limbs where they are and I like my senses. I very much hope I am fortunate enough to keep them all and not have to lose any of them. I can't say I can relate or empathize with anyone who has had to. I feel quite grateful in that regard. So, unknowingly, I would like to thank everyone for baring with me this last winter/spring. Heads up, I am in the middle of renovating my space in ct and moving, so things may be a bit hectic for me, that and I don't know what it is with DC and Boston but you guys are fucking flooding my email. Not an excuse, just a heads up, I will get back to you, sometimes immediately and sometimes it may take a little longer. If you want a pizza delivered within an hour, don't email me, but if you want a gourmet pizza and are willing to wait for it, then, by all means, please do so :) Hopefully, I haven't scared too many of you away with this post or made myself out to be flaky or unprofessional. Despite the rumors, I am human.

Since I have put this post up, an hour ago, maybe two, but since then, I have considered taking it down a few times. I think, because it is so private. I've never seriously thought about taking a blog down before and I had an old blog for awhile as well. It's because I can feel something vulnerable in this post that shakes me, and that's why it has to stay up, regardless.  I don't know if it's the right decision, but it's my decision.

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