Monday, March 14, 2011

Deliciously Depraved

Many people, I find, use so many words, really without thinking first, but do not live by them. Some, because these are the things they hope to become, they wish they were, words to impress, words to hide behind... words, which can be so eloquent and expressive, but words without conviction, words without truth, are worthless words. Their own actions betray them. I value my words far too much to fake them, because essentially, that is what is being done. There is a box, a cage which we are born into... society and all of its judgements, limitations, closed off to expanding on views that have been ingrained into us. Belief without question. Faith without self love. Believing that their thoughts our their own and not realizing that they have been influenced from the day they were born and still are, in a state of conditioned thinking... told what to think, not taught how. Almost everywhere you look, you will most likely find examples in one form or another that mirrors this. We don't really want people to see all the way into the darkest parts of ourselves, because that would be bad and we would then have to then suffer the consequences... whatever they might be. People ask for the truth, but can seldom handle it. It's quite the paradox and it's quite a shame. My world, my existence is constantly reaching, seeking distance from this fantasy that we consider reality, but it's in this world that people pretend the most. Never really able to show all of themselves, even to their own friends and families. In my world this fear does not exist, the condemnation, feelings such as shame or guilt and regret. I breathe in a world that many would call a fantasy world... for that's the business I am in... is it not? No... I chose this, time and time again I choose this. I seek the truth in people, the rawness, the secrets they fear, I seek the corruption of the caged mind...the decadence and the darkness... the beauty. I want this... for I am not ashamed. I do not follow, I will not follow. I believe I am intelligent and self aware enough not to follow... it's as simple as that. I feel sometimes very much like the white swan and the black. Though, I never fear that part of me, I let it seduce me... I find it intoxicating and passionate, striving to find somewhere luscious and worthy for it to grow and extend my wings. I am undeniably devious and depraved... constantly amusing myself with my games. I am wicked in the most extraordinary ways... and when I am evil, it is exquisitely so... and much like a child I just want to play, to live by my desires and to be free... to dwell in that freedom, the existence of loving myself, of the pleasures and the pain, living down the rabbit hole, happily, might I add. To unleash myself and to release others. I want to share such bliss... if only for a time being, entering into my world... I welcome this.

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