Downtime in Connecticut

I know I haven't posted in a bit, but I've been quite busy with crap. A lot of crap. In my experience, when you put two people together who are, let's go with somewhat unorthodox, you end up with...

let me just add that alcohol had absolutely nothing to do with what you're about to see, though perhaps it should have.

Also, I had no intention of shooting anything, I just grabbed my cheap little Flip to take a still and, well, see for yourself.

 This is pretty fucking bad, but it is mildly fucking funny, or maybe you just had to be there ;) 

Open it to full screen, make sure you have the sound on and enjoy.

 

Swimming up to the Surface...

Have you ever felt that combination of being absolutely overwhelmed to the point where you actually just start laughing because it's all a bit ridiculous and you just have to let it out before you get up, repack your bag and journey onwards... that coupled with an excitement that just almost literally tickles you. That's what the last 16 hours have been like for me. I can't even begin to explain them yet I am going to try. It's probably why I am on here right now instead of working or showering, which I really should. I just have to get it out because right now it's rattling in my brain and throughout the rest of my body. I have these visions, this utterly decadent and depraved world, just this place I want to find that doesn't exist and so I am embarking on a long journey to slowly create it, for me and for others I hope. I know I'm bound to fuck up along the way many times over, but I wouldn't expect anything else and that's okay, it can be aggravating but learning what you did wrong and what not to do through trial and error, at least for me, tends to be the best way to learn. So my visions, my world, it has become this burning sensation inside of me, this absolute need to realize it, to share it, to exist in it. It drives me. At times I can feel it in what seems like every cell in my body, I can feel it tingling in my blood and hiding behind my eyes. I have always been so stubbornly independent and I strive to be as self sufficient as possible. I've always had an attitude like, "Just give it to me, I'll figure it out, I'll do it, no it's not too much, just put it on the table"... seriously, when I was eight and my Nintendo wouldn't work, remember how you had to take it out, blow on the game, blow into the console, over and over again.... or with VHS players, sometimes you had to give them a nice little bop or two, maybe shake them around a little bit, I would just keep playing around with them until they would work... and I once had this Beauty and the Beast tent I got for Christmas and I was a child and excited and wanted it set up right then and there, but for whatever reason, I was told to wait and I went into my father's bedroom and set that fucking thing up all by myself. I was 7 or 8 and I was so proud that I was able to do it. Maybe I am impatient, maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I'm independent, maybe I'm all of these things. Whatever the case may be,  it's just how I am... and I will admit, every once in a blue moon I find myself going back to someone and saying, "motherfucker, fine, here, you do it"... and then that little smirk on their face and the laugh, I must endure that as well. I'm okay with that because I have no problem laughing at myself and realize that I am not Dora the fucking Explorer or Bob the bullshit Builder nor am I Macgyver.  So, I am basically designing my new space in Ct and starting a production company. I thought I had a fair grasp on everything that would involve. Oh... no, I was wrong. I was so very, hysterically wrong. I knew there would be a lot of work and determination required on my part... and I was and am ready to fucking chisel away at the bottom of a fucking hill to move it, and I say hill because as of yesterday afternoon my hill just became a big ole mountain. So now my head is tilted all the way back looking up and it's really just like, "Ahh, fuck me! Okay, where do I fucking start now"... because I can shoot and edit, I have learned many things in regards to both from watching and asking over the years. I have also practiced it on my own. I thought I would just have someone create a pay site for me and then I could hook onto a server and just upload and that would be it but no, now I need to learn how to be a webmaster of a pay site which doesn't sound like much, but it is, there is a fuck load I don't know about all this programming shit and so I must learn, a lot and well. It's actually a lot of complicated crap if you have no understanding of it and I can see how many people would just be like, "you know what, on second thought..." I was there when my old website was constructed and saw how it was done and didn't think a pay site would be that much different. Everyone I knew who could create websites, didn't know anything about pay sites though and didn't want to even touch them. Now I know why. A whole different ball game. Between setting it up and maintaining it and just crap, it's a giant clusterfuck of a difference and for me I have no understanding of it... yet. In this "industry" there are many people who do one of several things. One being that they have someone who takes about 50% of their profits every month to handle their site, uploading, maintaining, editing and all that computer crap and programming that right now I don't know how to do. For me, there exists two issues with that, one, no way is some fucktard having control of my site and content... no way, these are my visions, my scenes, my art and no one is touching it and two, no one is taking a 50% cut from me for something I will, I fucking will learn how to do and manage and no one is going to profit from my tears and sweat and my love but me and hopefully the people that it will appeal to. That's it, there's me and there's all of you and everyone else can move the fuck aside. I have had people try to tell me it's too much work and a big process and it would just be easier to stick to Clips4sale and other crap and you know what, I am doing my due diligence because I don't really want to link on to some site... I want my fucking world online. I want a site that epitomizes all that I am and believe and dream and love. That's it, there are no other options for me. I know it's going to be work and I know it's going to be hard and discouraging and I still do not fucking care. I know my stuff, I know that it will get better overtime as I work out all the kinks, as the quality of what I can do will integrate with what I envision and want to do. I have so many hot fucking scenes and things I want to shoot, things I have never seen anywhere, things that excite me, things that are beautiful and dark and edgy, erotic and real. I was always told that going down the glamour, really erotic film route wouldn't appeal to a large audience because it's what women want, not men. All of you have already proved that to be wrong, the amount of emails I get in response to my blog and the emails in general, your yearnings, everything has just been a giant fuck you to that notion. So, I am laughing at myself and the road ahead of me. I feel, and I realize it's being a bit dramatic, but have you ever watched a film and at the end there's a battle and someone says, "You do realize we're probably not going to make it out of here alive" ... and it's kind of like, "Yup, let's go"... that's how I feel. Dramatic, yes, but still. It's that almost idiotic determination. So, I hope that when I get there, when I carve out a little bit of land for myself, when I create my new world, I hope I will not be there alone... and if I am, well there's always email.

I kind of laugh at some notions of what I do or my typical day. I have had people who are like, "that's cool, so basically whenever you need money you just take a client and that's it" or that I just sit here, answer a few emails and then work for an hour or two and that's really just it. I'm lazy, I sit home all day twiddling my thumbs. I make my own hours and goof off all day long. The peanut factory, they're fucking nuts. No, I have a phenomenally beautiful destination in mind and I believe that there is beauty in the beast... I think in darkness there's beauty. I will die before I give up on this, before I give up on my dream, my passion... because I will die before I ever give up on myself. Our sexuality is exquisite and it shouldn't have to be shameful, hidden or denied. 

I don't doubt that many people don't understand my devotion because of the "industry" I am in and the path I chose. Maybe I didn't do what I should have, maybe my career is a joke to many and my world misunderstood... maybe I'll look back at my naivety and think how foolish I was, but it remains the same, it remains mine. I don't want to conquer the world, just my dreams... and if I fail, then at least I tried.

"Let’s Pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen
 Let’s pretend things would’ve been no different
 Pretend he procrastinated had no motivation
 Pretend he just made excuses that was so paper thin they could    blow away with the wind
 Marshal you're never gonna make it, makes no sense to play the game there ain’t no way that you'll win
 Pretend he just stayed out side all day and played with his friends
 Pretend he even had a friend to say was his friend
 And it wasn’t time to move and schools were changing again
 He wasn’t socially awkward and just strange as a kid
 He had a father and his mother wasn’t crazy as shit
 And he never dreamed he can ripped stadiums he was just lazy as shit
 Fuck a talent show in the gymnasium bitch
 You won’t amount to shit quit day dreaming kid
 You need to get ya cranium checked you thinking like an alien it just ain’t realistic
  Now pretend they ain’t just make him angry with this shit
 And there was no one he could even aim when he’s pissed it
 And his alarm went off to wake him but he didn't make it to the rap Olympics left to his plane and he missed it
 He’s gonna have a hard time explaining to Hailey and Laney these food stamps and WIC shit
 Cause he never risked shit he hoped and he wished it
 But it didn’t fall in his lap so he ain’t even here, he pretends that..."    
        
-Airplanes

I am Leaving Them Damn Yankees...

So, by now many of you know that I am in the middle of moving to Ct. Which I have planned to do for some time now but had to put off because both my father and then myself became ill. In different ways, but still. While I am extremely excited about this new space in Ct. I love it, it's amazing and the possibilities seem endless. It's raw and I have the opportunity to do just about anything my imagination can dream up. Amazing but I do get lost inside my own mind and invite the wickedness which resides there to become realized. The transition however is having an impact on me that I wasn't quite anticipating. I love Ct, it's always felt right for me. It's so beautiful. I am going to give it a test run for a few years to be sure. It's also fairly close to my family and friends in ny, as well as to Boston and DC. Also, I like visiting the west coast and the south but I enjoy the north east coast most... as well as all four seasons! Yes, I do bitch in the winter that it's too cold and in the summer that it's too hot but I enjoy them all for what they offer. Except the god damn spiders! Someone please do something about them! Yes, I am aware it will throw off our whole ecological system, but it just may be a risk I am willing to take. Anyway, I am experiencing now, from spending a few nights in the building that I am homesick. The other day when I drove here, it hit me when I saw a Ct license plate and thought "where the fuck are they from?"… I will no longer live in new york, I'll always be a new yorker at heart but just not live there. That said, Ct has prettier license plates than ny, especially since they changed to this horrid deep yellow color that clashes with every car and color. So, while I've lived on long island, in queens, in brooklyn and in the city and while I've traveled to a number of states, I've never had an issue with it. There were times when I was like, "Fuck, I need to be home like now!", but that was more or less because I hate the travel back, I'm fucking exhausted and just want to be in my own damn bed. So when this strange feeling hit me, I wasn't quite prepared for it and it took me off guard and a minute to identify this odd, unsettling feeling. I have felt it before when I was a child and perhaps once or twice as an adult, but not quite exactly in this fashion. I have this feeling, I will no longer be able to simply take a drive and go see my father, I can't go pick up my girlfriend or meet another one for drinks, I can't see my favorite puppy in the whole world and his stupid, happy face that makes me smile for absolutely no other reason than pure untainted love. I will have no idea what's going on with my annoying neighbors that I have known for a long time and constantly fill my world with endless and needless irritation and gossip. I have moved around a fair amount, but always within ny. There are some trips that are a couple hours away that seem shorter or just tiring, and then there are trips like this one, where I feel so very far away. I feel lonely. I know Ct, but I don't know it. I have a friend or two here, but I don't know anyone else. I don't know the highways or the roads, I don't know the stores. It may as well be in another language at this point. I'm not scared so much, I'm just homesick for ny and easy access to the people I care about and for the places and the state I am familiar with, and yes, even the people who fill my life with drama and drive me nuts and who I can't wait to get the fuck away from. I miss home. I know things will change overtime and I will meet new people and feel comfortable driving about.  Ct will become my new home, but I don't feel that way just yet and I feel like a video game character whose player just picked them up and dragged them to the other end of the screen and plopped them down there. I want to just take my stuff and get in my truck and drive back home as fast as I can... but I know I can't run simply because it's uncomfortable. It would be easier, but the easy way doesn't tend to get anyone very far. Most importantly, this is what I want, however daunting it may be in the next few months or even longer. Staying within my comfort zone is not something I am comfortable living with. It is not acceptable and there is no justifiable reason for me. Just excuses, which I try not to allow myself to have or give into. I can't even have a house warming party because no one will come see me, dammit! I am not even kidding you, the people I know do not leave unless it's for a vacation, that or everyone has kids and can't. Also I would have to explain all the hooks and D rings and such... and no, no that's not a mini ferris wheel... no, no that saddle is not for horse. Please don't play with that you might electrocute yourself. It's a good thing I know how to change a flat by myself. If you build it, they will come, yes, I do believe that, but there were/are no specifications as to who the fuck "they" are and I doubt Rob Lowe will be showing up at my door. Kudos to you if you get that reference. Yes, I just used the word kudos. Fuck you.

Also, total side note, I have, for the first time, opened up my yahoo messenger so I am available to chat. I ask that you please email me first before messaging me on it and identify yourself with your email address since I tend to have a great memory of them and not with names. You remember how before caller ID you would pick up a phone call and someone would be like, "Hey John, it's me, how have you been?" and then you play the game of asking them questions for the next ten minutes until you figure out who the fuck "me" is?  So, even if you state your name, unless it's something fairly uncommon like... Pluto (still a planet, sorry) , then I may have one of those moments. Email addresses on the other hand, I am superb with. 

BARE WITH ME...

Yes, I do realize the correct form for what I am asking is bear, I was merely kidding considering my lifestyle and this post. I wanted to put out there, not to give an excuse just an explanation as I do feel there's a difference. To put simply, I feel that an excuse is kind of like saying, "I did it but I couldn't really help it or it's not my fault or yadayadaya..." , where as an explanation is more honest, I suppose, sort of like "Yup, I did it, I acted like an asshole, and that's that, but this is why". You're not excusing your behavior you're just explaining it. I think, a lot of times people fail to see the difference, but me being a curious curious creature, I seek out the explanations. So, here it goes. Sometimes I will send an email response in a few hours and sometimes it will be a few days. I don't fuck with my emails and they are very specific to each person I correspond with. So instead of sending out some generic shit email with a few lines, I'd rather wait and respond with a detailed and case by case response. Also, the majority of my emails are at least a paragraph long and many times quite few. I am saying that because sometimes people will apologize for writing to me at length, don't apologize, I prefer them that way. The connection is easier established and I genuinely enjoy reading them all. The minute I read your first email, I'm trying to get inside your head. I can't take you to a destination if I don't know where you want to go, and when I do, I need to figure out how to best get you there. When I open them up I get a form of excitement akin to opening up a fresh novel and settling in for a good read. I literally have piles and piles of books scattered about that I do knock over a little more often than just sometimes.  Anyways, at times, unfortunately it takes me longer, it can be due to various reasons. Sometimes I get carpal tunnel, at least I am pretty sure that's what it is and it would make sense. I'm am very anti drugs, legal ones, pharmaceuticals. I rarely, rarely take anything. I take pain killers maybe twice a year, other than that, nothing. I don't get vaccines. I only take antibiotics if there's surgery involved. I've been studying alternative medicine and nutrition for about ten years and I don't push it on anyone, it's my lifestyle. Though, I do have a skeleton in my closet that I am not ashamed of, but don't talk about in my professional life that much, though I have to some and to a light extent. It's an extremely vulnerable and private thing for me, which I don't have many things that are, but fuck it,  apparently now I'm about to pop open the fucking lid. I do get severe panic attacks, not the kind that make you jittery, the kind that feel like heart attacks or sometimes if you can think of what a sore muscle feels like, sometimes it feels like that but in my heart. Which is odd and scary because we don't really experience that awareness of our hearts often. It started about 5 or so years ago. It's my body's smoke alarm. I believe our bodies know best, we just don't really know how to listen to them anymore, so we ignore the messages they send us and take drugs to make them go away. Once again, my opinion. My body, when it's holding too much of an emotion inside, freaks out. I can express my emotions well and have a great deal of control over myself but there was a time out of fear that I couldn't, and thus they began. I dealt with the issue causing them and they went away. It gave me a further remarkable appreciation for our minds. Doctor after doctor told me there wasn't anything wrong, my feelings weren't real and thus disregarded my suffering, it was irritating but that my mind could produce such strong feelings that had no validation, was well, agonizing but truly remarkable. Nothing was wrong with my body and yet so much was wrong because my mind said so. So, there are many people I do not give a shit about crossing but my own mind, I won't fuck with that. Years went by and I was and remain quite happy, content, satisfied and that part didn't go away but last year I once again held too much inside and I shouldn't have. I was deeply hurt and angry (no not an ex bf/gf) and justifiably so. So, I respected someone that no longer deserved my respect and I respected them way past the point that I needed to. I could have dealt with it in a respectable manner that also allowed me to express myself. I didn't though. The panic attacks came back full force. When I say release anger, I don't mean beat someone up or yell at them, there are healthy ways of articulating ones anger and/or dealing with it. Sometimes there are just fun ones, lol. Anger has such negative sound to it and most people view it as such. It's fine to get, to be angry, it's one form of passion. It's natural. I think it's important to allow yourself to feel however you are, especially when it's a not a happy feeling, I think if we don't allow ourselves to feel it, examine it, we can't release it and let it go. Gaining control over are emotions and ourselves in turn, is so important, but not ignoring them, not denying them. Anyway, I went on xanax, which most people including doctors don't know a lot about and you really have to do a little bit of digging to understand. It's a horrible drug and should have been banned a long time ago. I have my therapist, I go to him every few months for a tune up and have been for years. Most therapists I can't stand but I adore him. He's frank, non judge mental, old school but funny and doesn't try to force his opinions on you. He knew that when I went on it last summer, that it was short term, most doctors will try and make you believe you have a disease and can't live without whatever they are pushing. I went to a women therapist once, mine was away, and she asked me what I was going to take after the xanax and I was like, "umm, nothing" and the look on her face was priceless because she couldn't comprehend that, it completely fucking baffled her. What a joke, no understanding of people, her degree should be revoked but things are just retarded like that at times. At a lot of times. The thing is, doctors get a lot of money to push drugs on you and many don't want you to get better, because you wouldn't need to go to them then. I'm not saying all doctors are like that, but there are a many of them, especially shrinks. Sometimes they are just taught it in college. That the body is whole unit, that concept is not a popular one in the US. It's not something a lot of doctors are taught or study, so many are unaware of, well, a lot. If you were content, would you need the weekly sessions? Spend it on something completely selfish that makes you happy and helps promote confidence, whatever that maybe for you. It will do you a lot better in the long run. I don't mean retail therapy either. If you have a rat in your house, don't seal up all the rooms with yourself inside, find the damn rat and kick it the fuck out. We don't need a zombie apocalypse, we have one. I am actually sorry if anyone is reading this and feels offended, they're some people that need medicine for certain mental illnesses but not nearly as many as those that are on them. If you are going to take them, they should be short term. If there's something wrong, evaluate your life and yourself, it's there, just don't give up on yourself. Don't tell me I'm too young or whatever cliche shit comes to mind. I was in the hospital when I was younger for severe depression that lasted years, I cut myself when I was younger, in my late teenage years I was quite bulimic and I was in a physically abusive relationship for a few years. I know what it feels like to be at a completely crippling, hopeless point that feels endless and I know the pain and tears that accompany it, an exhausting fight against yourself not to breath, but to live. I hated being a victim, I always did and have, and I found myself being one, I found myself holding my tongue and many, many other things. All those things though, I would never, ever take back because those things also helped me to find and to know myself. To find the love I have for myself over all and everyone else. Also, if nothing else, most of those drugs kill your libido. So back to anyway, anyway I took the xanax which as it is, works for a bit and I tried to deal with my issue, which sucked because I remained passive about it for another bit. Then I realized, too long on the xanax, it's approved for 4 weeks in the UK and 8 in the US,  it should be banned. I was on it for months. So I started to ween off of it, which you have to, I was on a very high dosage but regardless you have to. It was my second time off of it and for some reason it was a lot harder. Like pregnancy? I don't know. Actually, it was hell. It was fucking hell. There were times when I had to stop working/playing altogether I got very sick, many times. I could list the symptoms but there were so many. They're common if you dig around on boards and forums. Mental and actual physical effects. I didn't know how sick I would be. I didn't know how bad it would get. I didn't know when one symptom would end...when some other would begin. I just didn't know. Your central nervous system has to re regulate and goes stark raving mad and it tries to take you with it. I don't deal well with being down that long, I push and push myself and don't give myself a lot of slack. So it was very stressful and frustrating on top of everything else. There were times when my mind wanted to but my body couldn't and times when my body could and my mind could not. One of the reason xanax is so hard to stop and you should never go cold turkey once you pass those four weeks, is because you can have a seizure, and though most doctors will tell you it's rare, it's certainly not uncommon and you could end up in the hospital for a mental breakdown quite easily. Which, I almost did and I was weening, just too fast. I did deal with my issue though, there's a point I get to with anyone, I just go, you know what, fuck this, my body is not happy with you and I have no more patience for your shit. I'm not usually mean about it, I just don't tolerate it. So I have a lot of patience, but I only have so much and in the end, I care about my health and the love I have for myself more than pretty much everybody. I'm happy though. We all get bruised going through life, emotionally and physically, I don't know of anyone who hasn't. I don't doubt that was the last time for me. I just think it's how we deal with and that we deal with, rather than chose to ignore, because it's easier. Many of us don't like confrontation, but if you don't force yourself, it will become a habit and a hard one to break. It's so easy to stay in a miserable situation merely because it's comfortable. I don't think it's having experiences that count that much, but learning from experiences and not taking just misery away from them. That said, I like my limbs where they are and I like my senses. I very much hope I am fortunate enough to keep them all and not have to lose any of them. I can't say I can relate or empathize with anyone who has had to. I feel quite grateful in that regard. So, unknowingly, I would like to thank everyone for baring with me this last winter/spring. Heads up, I am in the middle of renovating my space in ct and moving, so things may be a bit hectic for me, that and I don't know what it is with DC and Boston but you guys are fucking flooding my email. Not an excuse, just a heads up, I will get back to you, sometimes immediately and sometimes it may take a little longer. If you want a pizza delivered within an hour, don't email me, but if you want a gourmet pizza and are willing to wait for it, then, by all means, please do so :) Hopefully, I haven't scared too many of you away with this post or made myself out to be flaky or unprofessional. Despite the rumors, I am human.

Since I have put this post up, an hour ago, maybe two, but since then, I have considered taking it down a few times. I think, because it is so private. I've never seriously thought about taking a blog down before and I had an old blog for awhile as well. It's because I can feel something vulnerable in this post that shakes me, and that's why it has to stay up, regardless.  I don't know if it's the right decision, but it's my decision.

The Fly, the Whip and the Angermanagement Test...

About a week ago I was in a bit of a testy mood for a few days... and I was working on my laptop concentrating quite heavily on... a game. I'm a bit of a casual gamer, anyways a fly was in my bedroom and I swear it was purposely fucking with me. It was flying round and round right in front of me and every time I would get up to swat it it would pretend to go to a different area and then when I would sit back down the fucker would come around again buzzing right in front of my damn face. So, I was sort of like, fuck this, this is war... and I got one of my floggers. Now, I would love to say I killed it with my it, but I do believe I may have met my match in this little fly. While I have caught them in my hands in the past, I wasn't focused at all and though I hit it several times, it just wouldn't die. So I equipped myself with a bottle of cleaner near by and sprayed it and flogged it. Each time I thought that I had surely gotten it, by drowning it in chemicals and smacking it down... the fucker would come back to taunt me. This happened many many times, it was somewhat remarkable, it just wouldn't fucking die... and I was getting quite agitated. It was flying around near my lamp which I, in the heat of battle, sprayed along with the fly and kaboom! The bulb blew up and scared the crap out of me. I was quite fortunate that no glass hit me but did fly everywhere else. I was freaked out, I had no longer had a light and there was glass all over, so I retired to the sofa for the rest of the night. Though... it killed the fly. The next day out of pure curiosity, as I really pay no mind to other people's classifications, rules and tests... I took an online anger management test. Now, I don't have any real issues with anger, I merely just got curious and once curiosity plants its seed in my mind, I must seek out the answer. I've actually taken quite a few online tests, I just find them, as well as the results, amusing. Based on a bunch of crap, but amusing nonetheless. So, I read question one and half way through decided it was stupid and didn't really pertain to me so I moved on to question number two which I also deemed stupid and irrelevant... now half way through question number three I decided the whole damn thing was just completely idiotic, much more so than usual and thus frustrated by this, I closed out the window. As I did so, I thought of the irony... an anger management test and I couldn't even answer a single question much less make it past number three without saying "fuck this" , which I actually did say out loud. This caused me to laugh a bit and so I told a good friend of mine about this and we joked that I would probably receive an email any moment insisting I stay inside until the authorities arrived. They didn't, I have issues but anger isn't one of them... though it is a pity I didn't catch the battle between me and my flogger against the fly on video. A battle, which mind you... I ultimately won. So, ha!

This Is Why Evoltuion Takes a Really Long Time...

I don't really know where to start. I have had a long fucking week. I don't know what happened but I don't think I received the brain I was supposed to. I don't think my brain was made in America. I realize that's an odd statement, but my brain is a very special exotic blend of dysfunctional. I don't get it. So people cheat. People lie. We do some fucked up shit. We're assholes. We're bitches. Why is this still news and why the fuck is this still surprising and why the hell does Sarah Jessica Parker get a hit tv show based off her character's hit column when my blog is so much better. I actually liked the show quite a bit, but Sex and the City it was not, and we're from the same city so I don't get it. So why is it that people are still shocked when it comes out that so and so is cheating or gay or lied or got drunk and said some stupid ass shit. We all fucking do it, have fucking thought about it or have had it done to us, why is it fucking news. I want to walk out one day and hear that Arnold's mistress had a fucking purple baby pop out with three heads, which said in unison "I'll be back" and then popped back into her... or Obama: it's really just a spray on tan, because I would stop for a moment for that shit, I would say, "Well, I'll be fucking damned, that's some fucking news", but nope, everyone has to make a big deal out sex scandals, just normal, run of the mill, vanilla sex. I'd be more surprised if they reported that Tiger Woods had never had an affair and had been completely faithful, that would surprise me. Then everyone has to ask why, we have to get middle America's opinion. Oh yay! I don't care where I am, I roll my eyes and yell at the tv "Because he fucking can, that's why!" Why do you? What's your excuse you fucking hypocrites! Can you really blame them. One, they're human and two, they're rich and famous... Why the fuck is America always so god damned surprised at this, are we really that stupid and ignorant? I know, it's mean, but it's also true, so put your big girl panties on and handle it or shut the fuck up. I am not against love, I think love is great, I think sleeping with only the same person night after night for the rest of your lives sounds like wishful thinking to me and if I am being completely honest, boring (throw another person or a kangaroo in there or something). I know personally, I'd want my own room. I wanted it when I was twelve, I got it and I am never giving it up. There are somethings I don't like sharing. I don't want to share my dessert, I don't want to share my drink, I don't want to share my car, and I most certainly don't want to share my bed. I will tell you one thing I don't mind sharing though, my bf or gf, because it's just sex, sex does not equate love or trust, sex actually has a tendency to destroy trust and as long as they are with me, I'm realistic, I don't need to walk by the tv one day and see their fucking face on the god damn news. I fucking love my Jeep, but you know what, you add "and that's the only car for the rest of your life", and it sounds like a demon whispering that shit in your ear, it echos. I may be perfectly happy with a pair of shoes, I may love them, but that does not mean I don't want or can't see the logic behind wanting to wear a different pair, a shiny or sparkly pair, another color, just a different fucking pair at times... and if I were Tiger Woods, I would have a different pair delivered whenever I fucking felt like it, at two am, on a sunday morning, and I would sip champagne out of them, before and after I wore them... and we're really going to blame him? And these fuckers get bullied into resignation over sex, are you shitting me, this is why. Yup, America sat on the statue of liberty and got it stuck up it's ass... most men can't admit it in front of their significant others because they'd get crucified and women get too god damned insecure about it and feel threatened, it's like an anthrax scare, but with sex...and that will eventually be a contributing factor to the demise of their own relationships, whether they know it or have to find it out about it on the news... and I don't know if anyone has realized it, but news has the word new in it, therefore alluding to the fact that it's new. It's not, it's fucking olds. They might as well carve it on a fucking tablet. We're basically just domesticated animals who can talk, type and pee in bowl, and some of us can't manage that at times (myself included), but you know what, we need to stop pretending we don't have animalistic urges and desires. So please stop drinking their Kool Aid... and read a book, you can find them in a place called the library... because you can not go to borders books anymore, they only carry coffee, stationary, candy, cds, dvds, and the Twilight series, that's it. That's it, that's all they have.

Things I Shouldn't Say... So Naturally I'm Going to.

And thus that is part of the reason why it needs to be written about. When I first entered the Pro Bdsm scene, something many people don't realize is that it has it's own set of rules to it. I have always, always been drawn to the lifestyle, as far back as eleven or twelve, which is common enough. I have always been immensely fascinated with people's minds. So, I could earn a living and do something I love so very much... really? The girl who, for six years, was so excited to go to college just drop it like that? Yes, and I did... and I never regretted it. College educated, in my book, doesn't mean you are educated, it just means you paid money so that you could tell people you are and in some, but certainly not all cases, you could pretend to be. So, I started in a dungeon... I learned quickly, I loved it. I was in love. Though, I learned that not only could I be a pro domme, I could sub as well. This turned me on... a lot. It was a ride I wanted to get on. So, even though I technically hadn't been there long enough to take on sub scenes, I talked my way into allowing them to let me "audition", so to speak. Fucked up shit that it is. I don't do that anymore, obviously. Anyway, it wasn't so hard because there is a certain stigma in the pro scene. If you sub at all, even switch then you are not really a domme. That's the first rule I broke and didn't give a shit about. Rule number two... scenes are not sexual. Oh my fucking higher power, yes they absolutely fucking are. Bdsm does not need to incorporate sex but at times it should and regardless scenes are always sexual this is why tops should be getting pleasure as should bottoms, where it goes from there, who knows. So, that's the second rule I broke. Yes, I got a lot of shit in the beginning. I wound up going independent in 8 months. I had no idea what the fuck to do, standing out there in the rain, no umbrella in hand. Though I did figure it out and I had a bit of help from a good friend along the way. Over the years, well some have just accepted it when they see that it's what I actually enjoy and  perhaps some are jealous because they have to hide their own sub side because it would indeed hurt their careers... others, well I don't doubt that they talk behind my back. Oh well, such is life. I don't care. With me, what you see, read and hear, is what you get. I will say it once again, there's no fucking persona. I am Aurora Storms, she's not some person I become. So here's something I shouldn't talk about but dammit I'm going to. I give so much of myself and my time to my clients, many of you I consider friends, I deeply value our connections. If you have had a phone conversation (or several) with me, you know what I am referring to. This is my career though. This is my income. Do not put me in a bad position. I literally receive thousands of emails a year and spend hours a day reading each one and responding accordingly and at length. It's also my screening process. I can many long wonderful emails that I enjoy greatly, but situations do occur from time to time and so this blog is not specific to any one case. So yes, if I am talking with you for hours, naturally I am enjoying doing so and if we discuss setting up a time to meet, then yes I want to see you or I would have deleted your email... and yes I absolutely have deleted emails and declined scenes for various reasons, ranging from stupidity to just not being compatible, which I don't think is fair for either player, especially the one spending the fucking money for a professional. Yes, we all dance and tip toe around the matter and yes this post could be somewhat detrimental to my career but you know what, the people who wouldn't contact me based on this blog, I don't fucking want to play with you. I've been dancing around this for years, and I am fucking tired. It is not a topic I enjoy. It can be uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, I am not going to budge and you will only be wasting both your time and mine. Either move forward or politely decline. I am going to break it down. I love what I do to tears. It is my life. Not kids. Not marriage. Not a white picket fence. I love this part of people. The part they hide but yearn to show and have accepted. I love what people become when all the bullshit is stripped away. I love the darkness in us. The depravity. The light is so easy to embrace and to let show but the darkness is where we hide. I love kinky shit. I love fucked up shit. I love playing. I love pushing boundaries. I love to be challenged. I love what I fucking do... and I am fucking phenomenal at it, and my rates reflect that so please, respect that. If I made exceptions for all my clients whose conversations I thoroughly enjoyed and who stimulate me, I would be living in a fucking cardboard box and eating off of the god damn dollar menu at mcdonalds. I do not just sit around banging out clients all day. So yes, I am genuine... and if you don't believe me, re-read this stupid blog, because I'm kind of going with anyone who isn't wouldn't write this or maybe it's just anyone in their right mind, I don't know right now, I'm not to sure... I'm just saying, it's insulting and it hurts my feelings and yes I do have them hidden away in the "top of my panties that I never wear" drawer...