"IT'S OKAY TO DOUBT WHAT YOU'VE BEEN TAUGHT TO BELIEVE"

• "I can never read all the books I want;            
• I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want.                          
• I can never train myself in all the skills I want.                                                
• And why do I want?              
• I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life.                                           
• And I am horribly limited."                                                                                  
• -Sylvia Plath

Perhaps there does exist an age of innocence, however, innocence is always lost. And this world will always have it so. I don't know who that girl was, but that girl is a large part of the reason I know who I am today. I find her sometimes, I try and recall, the memories are all still there, they always will be, though the connection to them has all but disappeared. It's no longer. She's a ghost from my past that haunts my soul. She is as a reflection in a window that is barely visible, a fading image, that reflects me no longer. Sometimes you think, you believe that there are things you could never do… until you can, until you have to. You never know what you could do until it comes along, until then it's really just speculation. Because just like that, it becomes a thought, it's given life in your mind, it's given breath on your tongue and just like that it becomes an action... it's becomes a reality. This can apply to almost anything in life, something  thought of as "good", something deemed  "bad", something weak, something strong… it's just a matter of perspective, opinion, interpretation...assumptions. So most of us live with our secrets in this world that demands and begs for the truth but refuses to acknowledge it and can but will not tolerate it.  When really we are all just variations of puzzles, enigmas desperate to be explored, and some of us with glowing light and an endless darkness in our minds. Beautiful paradoxes. Beautiful Storms.  "I rebel, therefore I exist."

       “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” -A.C.

I could always see normal, conventional. I've always stood outside of it and I still do at times. I've peered, I entered, I dared to step inside but I always knew I was a merely a visitor, I could always feel that I didn't belong. It simply wasn't want I wanted. What I craved most from this life. I watched though, I was in awe of the routine, the complacency, of how slowly it moved… even though everyone was in a such a frantic, stressful rush to go absolutely no where. Still, it moved, round and round in the same busy little circle and I... I was always just a supporting character in other people's vanilla flavored, "normal" lives. And If I tried, I couldn't have it, it was too late for me, and I didn't want it, not truly. Not really. However, I will admit, that I wondered about it, and a part of me longed for it, a part of me wanted to want it, I won't deny that. Though, I wanted the dream, I wanted the movie, I wanted the Christmas Special… I wanted the perfect family and the big family dinners filled with laughter and memories...but that's a dream, a fantasy and nothing is perfect. The perfect family would become boring, the memories filled with resentment and regret, the laughter would cease overtime, and the dinners and decorations would distract from the hidden desires and yearnings. The anger and the tears from passion lost, from lust denied, from a gaping hunger no amount of food could fill. Besides, I knew myself, I know myself, enough to know that it's not for me. That life will never be right for me. My happiness, my adventures, they lie elsewhere. I just don't like the color, I tried it on, I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself, it was all big vintage bows and stained lace frills, which just didn't look good on me. It didn't, it doesn't, it will never feel right. And so, like a sad, wet puppy dog, I wanted to go inside, but like a fierce watch dog, I knew it wasn't safe… and I wasn't house trained, so I'd probably shit all over the place. 

•    “There are crimes of passion and crimes of logic...
• The boundary between them is not clearly defined." -A.C.

BEAUTY IN HER BREAKDOWN

AURORA STORMS: Deliciously Depraved and an Extraordinary Exquisite Fetish  IN PART, AN EROTIC/GLAMOUR/ FETISH MODEL and ACTRESS- HIGHLY SKILLED AT BDSM AND FANTASY LOOKING FOR SHOOTS (PHOTO & FILM) WITH A GRITTY EDGE TO THEM AND A BIT OF MEAT, BONE AND FILTH, AS WELL AS THOSE THAT ARE ETHEREAL AND MAGICAL, THOSE REMINISCENT OF PAST ERAS/DECADES AND THOSE OF DECAYING DESIRES... AND OF BEAUTY UNRAVELING.   I unraveled, I fell of the grid, I tried and than I tried again and again and again... and I wasn't really sure I had any fight in me. I feel like this past year has pushed me to a sink or swim frame of mind. I want to swim, but I am to tired too... and than my mind starts clicking around again, the spider webs clear, and I start to regroup, words flow from my fingertips like they haven't in over a year and a half and ideas and concepts and motivation returns to me. The question is, "will it stay"... the answer...," time to get the rope and duct tape just to be sure." .... I think I am going to be just fine. I just resent, sometimes resent, that I have to go through so much on my own, alone, but I suppose at the end of the day, it makes me tougher... thicker... calloused and like a nerve that hasn't been shot out or a situation where most people would react and many just watched frightened... I don't give in to pain, I may want to, I may fall down and collapse but I always get back up with a plan.... and I don't react, not really...that's another story, but it's a damn good skill to have. Looking to push all conventions, to create luscious shots, disturbing ones, something that makes you feel just a bit dirty, a bit wrong. Not vulgar, just the tasteful, artistic pushing of boundaries and the depth to understand and feel them and still keep pushing, keep looking because you don't want to stop. Taking human nature at it's very essence, dropping the facades and and pleasantries, discovering it once more, in it's raw untamed form. The spark that is in us all at some point, before we become trapped in the mundane lives we wanted and dreamed of... and we keep dreaming, different dreams of different lives and perhaps different choices not made, and our dreams just don't come out as loudly or as freely, and than that fire begins to burn out, it slowly fades away like most things do... and we breathe, but we fade with it nonetheless.

Lose Your Mind.... and the Rest Won't Always Follow...

I know that it has been quite a bit of time since my last post. I think we tread a thin line between being innovative and passionate and downright insane. There's something about living in the dark corners of our minds and exploring them that separates us from others. There's a need, a drive, an insanity there. I have been working on building out my space in Ct, which is stressful as the space is very raw and peaceful and depravity dwells there quite comfortably and doesn't seem to want to move out, which is just fine by me. A part of me wants to keep it fairly simple, a bit filthy with its beautifully decaying brick and I couldn't love it more. Though, still, somethings are needed, heat, walls, a kitchen, bit of tlc, and of course lots of toys and contraptions for my sadistic and depraved mind. I have a few new friends and they are so vanilla, their lifestyles...it's like a trip from my land to theirs, I know I don't belong and can't stay, it's quite odd really. Also, I have been driving myself mad, alright I am already quite mad to begin with, but starting up my own production company has proved to be quite the... production. I could do it next week if I wanted to have lame, bad, crappy content. But good, truly erotic quality content, properly shot and edited, that's taking time and good equipment. In fact, I have ditched final cut pro and found love in adobe after effects... we're going to get married and have kids and a white picket fence painted with liquid latex. I love fences, but one should never have one unless they are going to use them properly and bind someone to them. Otherwise they seem to be a bit of a waste. Also, I trusted someone more than I should of, usually I don't do this... because they screwed me over. It's one thing to disagree, it's another to be an immature fuck about it and screw someone over with no good reason. If you have a reason, that I can respect and understand, but to do it in a pansy ass little kid who doesn't get their way and is just sulking. No respect for that. I like to try a mature, fair approach for a bit, I can be very patient, I give people multiple chances to do the right thing but people never seem to respond to this... which doesn't surprise me. I probably do it for my own piece of mind because then when I have to fight, I fight fucking dirty, and I'm brilliantly brutal, especially seeing as how I don't have many morals or boundaries and I mindfuck for a living, a sport and just for fucking fun...though still I just would rather take the easier, kinder approach, and also, it's less time consuming, but much more often than not people don't respond to this, they want to play, get one over on you, be a dick and fuck around with you because they think they can away with it and they are getting off on it, and I may not have a dick, but if I did, it would be bigger. I don't want to be a cunt, if I can avoid it I will and I do try, but when I have to be, I am truly a fucking fabulous cunt. *Insert end of rant here*

Downtime in Connecticut

I know I haven't posted in a bit, but I've been quite busy with crap. A lot of crap. In my experience, when you put two people together who are, let's go with somewhat unorthodox, you end up with...

let me just add that alcohol had absolutely nothing to do with what you're about to see, though perhaps it should have.

Also, I had no intention of shooting anything, I just grabbed my cheap little Flip to take a still and, well, see for yourself.

 This is pretty fucking bad, but it is mildly fucking funny, or maybe you just had to be there ;) 

Open it to full screen, make sure you have the sound on and enjoy.

 

Swimming up to the Surface...

Have you ever felt that combination of being absolutely overwhelmed to the point where you actually just start laughing because it's all a bit ridiculous and you just have to let it out before you get up, repack your bag and journey onwards... that coupled with an excitement that just almost literally tickles you. That's what the last 16 hours have been like for me. I can't even begin to explain them yet I am going to try. It's probably why I am on here right now instead of working or showering, which I really should. I just have to get it out because right now it's rattling in my brain and throughout the rest of my body. I have these visions, this utterly decadent and depraved world, just this place I want to find that doesn't exist and so I am embarking on a long journey to slowly create it, for me and for others I hope. I know I'm bound to fuck up along the way many times over, but I wouldn't expect anything else and that's okay, it can be aggravating but learning what you did wrong and what not to do through trial and error, at least for me, tends to be the best way to learn. So my visions, my world, it has become this burning sensation inside of me, this absolute need to realize it, to share it, to exist in it. It drives me. At times I can feel it in what seems like every cell in my body, I can feel it tingling in my blood and hiding behind my eyes. I have always been so stubbornly independent and I strive to be as self sufficient as possible. I've always had an attitude like, "Just give it to me, I'll figure it out, I'll do it, no it's not too much, just put it on the table"... seriously, when I was eight and my Nintendo wouldn't work, remember how you had to take it out, blow on the game, blow into the console, over and over again.... or with VHS players, sometimes you had to give them a nice little bop or two, maybe shake them around a little bit, I would just keep playing around with them until they would work... and I once had this Beauty and the Beast tent I got for Christmas and I was a child and excited and wanted it set up right then and there, but for whatever reason, I was told to wait and I went into my father's bedroom and set that fucking thing up all by myself. I was 7 or 8 and I was so proud that I was able to do it. Maybe I am impatient, maybe I'm stubborn, maybe I'm independent, maybe I'm all of these things. Whatever the case may be,  it's just how I am... and I will admit, every once in a blue moon I find myself going back to someone and saying, "motherfucker, fine, here, you do it"... and then that little smirk on their face and the laugh, I must endure that as well. I'm okay with that because I have no problem laughing at myself and realize that I am not Dora the fucking Explorer or Bob the bullshit Builder nor am I Macgyver.  So, I am basically designing my new space in Ct and starting a production company. I thought I had a fair grasp on everything that would involve. Oh... no, I was wrong. I was so very, hysterically wrong. I knew there would be a lot of work and determination required on my part... and I was and am ready to fucking chisel away at the bottom of a fucking hill to move it, and I say hill because as of yesterday afternoon my hill just became a big ole mountain. So now my head is tilted all the way back looking up and it's really just like, "Ahh, fuck me! Okay, where do I fucking start now"... because I can shoot and edit, I have learned many things in regards to both from watching and asking over the years. I have also practiced it on my own. I thought I would just have someone create a pay site for me and then I could hook onto a server and just upload and that would be it but no, now I need to learn how to be a webmaster of a pay site which doesn't sound like much, but it is, there is a fuck load I don't know about all this programming shit and so I must learn, a lot and well. It's actually a lot of complicated crap if you have no understanding of it and I can see how many people would just be like, "you know what, on second thought..." I was there when my old website was constructed and saw how it was done and didn't think a pay site would be that much different. Everyone I knew who could create websites, didn't know anything about pay sites though and didn't want to even touch them. Now I know why. A whole different ball game. Between setting it up and maintaining it and just crap, it's a giant clusterfuck of a difference and for me I have no understanding of it... yet. In this "industry" there are many people who do one of several things. One being that they have someone who takes about 50% of their profits every month to handle their site, uploading, maintaining, editing and all that computer crap and programming that right now I don't know how to do. For me, there exists two issues with that, one, no way is some fucktard having control of my site and content... no way, these are my visions, my scenes, my art and no one is touching it and two, no one is taking a 50% cut from me for something I will, I fucking will learn how to do and manage and no one is going to profit from my tears and sweat and my love but me and hopefully the people that it will appeal to. That's it, there's me and there's all of you and everyone else can move the fuck aside. I have had people try to tell me it's too much work and a big process and it would just be easier to stick to Clips4sale and other crap and you know what, I am doing my due diligence because I don't really want to link on to some site... I want my fucking world online. I want a site that epitomizes all that I am and believe and dream and love. That's it, there are no other options for me. I know it's going to be work and I know it's going to be hard and discouraging and I still do not fucking care. I know my stuff, I know that it will get better overtime as I work out all the kinks, as the quality of what I can do will integrate with what I envision and want to do. I have so many hot fucking scenes and things I want to shoot, things I have never seen anywhere, things that excite me, things that are beautiful and dark and edgy, erotic and real. I was always told that going down the glamour, really erotic film route wouldn't appeal to a large audience because it's what women want, not men. All of you have already proved that to be wrong, the amount of emails I get in response to my blog and the emails in general, your yearnings, everything has just been a giant fuck you to that notion. So, I am laughing at myself and the road ahead of me. I feel, and I realize it's being a bit dramatic, but have you ever watched a film and at the end there's a battle and someone says, "You do realize we're probably not going to make it out of here alive" ... and it's kind of like, "Yup, let's go"... that's how I feel. Dramatic, yes, but still. It's that almost idiotic determination. So, I hope that when I get there, when I carve out a little bit of land for myself, when I create my new world, I hope I will not be there alone... and if I am, well there's always email.

I kind of laugh at some notions of what I do or my typical day. I have had people who are like, "that's cool, so basically whenever you need money you just take a client and that's it" or that I just sit here, answer a few emails and then work for an hour or two and that's really just it. I'm lazy, I sit home all day twiddling my thumbs. I make my own hours and goof off all day long. The peanut factory, they're fucking nuts. No, I have a phenomenally beautiful destination in mind and I believe that there is beauty in the beast... I think in darkness there's beauty. I will die before I give up on this, before I give up on my dream, my passion... because I will die before I ever give up on myself. Our sexuality is exquisite and it shouldn't have to be shameful, hidden or denied. 

I don't doubt that many people don't understand my devotion because of the "industry" I am in and the path I chose. Maybe I didn't do what I should have, maybe my career is a joke to many and my world misunderstood... maybe I'll look back at my naivety and think how foolish I was, but it remains the same, it remains mine. I don't want to conquer the world, just my dreams... and if I fail, then at least I tried.

"Let’s Pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen
 Let’s pretend things would’ve been no different
 Pretend he procrastinated had no motivation
 Pretend he just made excuses that was so paper thin they could    blow away with the wind
 Marshal you're never gonna make it, makes no sense to play the game there ain’t no way that you'll win
 Pretend he just stayed out side all day and played with his friends
 Pretend he even had a friend to say was his friend
 And it wasn’t time to move and schools were changing again
 He wasn’t socially awkward and just strange as a kid
 He had a father and his mother wasn’t crazy as shit
 And he never dreamed he can ripped stadiums he was just lazy as shit
 Fuck a talent show in the gymnasium bitch
 You won’t amount to shit quit day dreaming kid
 You need to get ya cranium checked you thinking like an alien it just ain’t realistic
  Now pretend they ain’t just make him angry with this shit
 And there was no one he could even aim when he’s pissed it
 And his alarm went off to wake him but he didn't make it to the rap Olympics left to his plane and he missed it
 He’s gonna have a hard time explaining to Hailey and Laney these food stamps and WIC shit
 Cause he never risked shit he hoped and he wished it
 But it didn’t fall in his lap so he ain’t even here, he pretends that..."    
        
-Airplanes

I am Leaving Them Damn Yankees...

So, by now many of you know that I am in the middle of moving to Ct. Which I have planned to do for some time now but had to put off because both my father and then myself became ill. In different ways, but still. While I am extremely excited about this new space in Ct. I love it, it's amazing and the possibilities seem endless. It's raw and I have the opportunity to do just about anything my imagination can dream up. Amazing but I do get lost inside my own mind and invite the wickedness which resides there to become realized. The transition however is having an impact on me that I wasn't quite anticipating. I love Ct, it's always felt right for me. It's so beautiful. I am going to give it a test run for a few years to be sure. It's also fairly close to my family and friends in ny, as well as to Boston and DC. Also, I like visiting the west coast and the south but I enjoy the north east coast most... as well as all four seasons! Yes, I do bitch in the winter that it's too cold and in the summer that it's too hot but I enjoy them all for what they offer. Except the god damn spiders! Someone please do something about them! Yes, I am aware it will throw off our whole ecological system, but it just may be a risk I am willing to take. Anyway, I am experiencing now, from spending a few nights in the building that I am homesick. The other day when I drove here, it hit me when I saw a Ct license plate and thought "where the fuck are they from?"… I will no longer live in new york, I'll always be a new yorker at heart but just not live there. That said, Ct has prettier license plates than ny, especially since they changed to this horrid deep yellow color that clashes with every car and color. So, while I've lived on long island, in queens, in brooklyn and in the city and while I've traveled to a number of states, I've never had an issue with it. There were times when I was like, "Fuck, I need to be home like now!", but that was more or less because I hate the travel back, I'm fucking exhausted and just want to be in my own damn bed. So when this strange feeling hit me, I wasn't quite prepared for it and it took me off guard and a minute to identify this odd, unsettling feeling. I have felt it before when I was a child and perhaps once or twice as an adult, but not quite exactly in this fashion. I have this feeling, I will no longer be able to simply take a drive and go see my father, I can't go pick up my girlfriend or meet another one for drinks, I can't see my favorite puppy in the whole world and his stupid, happy face that makes me smile for absolutely no other reason than pure untainted love. I will have no idea what's going on with my annoying neighbors that I have known for a long time and constantly fill my world with endless and needless irritation and gossip. I have moved around a fair amount, but always within ny. There are some trips that are a couple hours away that seem shorter or just tiring, and then there are trips like this one, where I feel so very far away. I feel lonely. I know Ct, but I don't know it. I have a friend or two here, but I don't know anyone else. I don't know the highways or the roads, I don't know the stores. It may as well be in another language at this point. I'm not scared so much, I'm just homesick for ny and easy access to the people I care about and for the places and the state I am familiar with, and yes, even the people who fill my life with drama and drive me nuts and who I can't wait to get the fuck away from. I miss home. I know things will change overtime and I will meet new people and feel comfortable driving about.  Ct will become my new home, but I don't feel that way just yet and I feel like a video game character whose player just picked them up and dragged them to the other end of the screen and plopped them down there. I want to just take my stuff and get in my truck and drive back home as fast as I can... but I know I can't run simply because it's uncomfortable. It would be easier, but the easy way doesn't tend to get anyone very far. Most importantly, this is what I want, however daunting it may be in the next few months or even longer. Staying within my comfort zone is not something I am comfortable living with. It is not acceptable and there is no justifiable reason for me. Just excuses, which I try not to allow myself to have or give into. I can't even have a house warming party because no one will come see me, dammit! I am not even kidding you, the people I know do not leave unless it's for a vacation, that or everyone has kids and can't. Also I would have to explain all the hooks and D rings and such... and no, no that's not a mini ferris wheel... no, no that saddle is not for horse. Please don't play with that you might electrocute yourself. It's a good thing I know how to change a flat by myself. If you build it, they will come, yes, I do believe that, but there were/are no specifications as to who the fuck "they" are and I doubt Rob Lowe will be showing up at my door. Kudos to you if you get that reference. Yes, I just used the word kudos. Fuck you.

Also, total side note, I have, for the first time, opened up my yahoo messenger so I am available to chat. I ask that you please email me first before messaging me on it and identify yourself with your email address since I tend to have a great memory of them and not with names. You remember how before caller ID you would pick up a phone call and someone would be like, "Hey John, it's me, how have you been?" and then you play the game of asking them questions for the next ten minutes until you figure out who the fuck "me" is?  So, even if you state your name, unless it's something fairly uncommon like... Pluto (still a planet, sorry) , then I may have one of those moments. Email addresses on the other hand, I am superb with. 

BARE WITH ME...

Yes, I do realize the correct form for what I am asking is bear, I was merely kidding considering my lifestyle and this post. I wanted to put out there, not to give an excuse just an explanation as I do feel there's a difference. To put simply, I feel that an excuse is kind of like saying, "I did it but I couldn't really help it or it's not my fault or yadayadaya..." , where as an explanation is more honest, I suppose, sort of like "Yup, I did it, I acted like an asshole, and that's that, but this is why". You're not excusing your behavior you're just explaining it. I think, a lot of times people fail to see the difference, but me being a curious curious creature, I seek out the explanations. So, here it goes. Sometimes I will send an email response in a few hours and sometimes it will be a few days. I don't fuck with my emails and they are very specific to each person I correspond with. So instead of sending out some generic shit email with a few lines, I'd rather wait and respond with a detailed and case by case response. Also, the majority of my emails are at least a paragraph long and many times quite few. I am saying that because sometimes people will apologize for writing to me at length, don't apologize, I prefer them that way. The connection is easier established and I genuinely enjoy reading them all. The minute I read your first email, I'm trying to get inside your head. I can't take you to a destination if I don't know where you want to go, and when I do, I need to figure out how to best get you there. When I open them up I get a form of excitement akin to opening up a fresh novel and settling in for a good read. I literally have piles and piles of books scattered about that I do knock over a little more often than just sometimes.  Anyways, at times, unfortunately it takes me longer, it can be due to various reasons. Sometimes I get carpal tunnel, at least I am pretty sure that's what it is and it would make sense. I'm am very anti drugs, legal ones, pharmaceuticals. I rarely, rarely take anything. I take pain killers maybe twice a year, other than that, nothing. I don't get vaccines. I only take antibiotics if there's surgery involved. I've been studying alternative medicine and nutrition for about ten years and I don't push it on anyone, it's my lifestyle. Though, I do have a skeleton in my closet that I am not ashamed of, but don't talk about in my professional life that much, though I have to some and to a light extent. It's an extremely vulnerable and private thing for me, which I don't have many things that are, but fuck it,  apparently now I'm about to pop open the fucking lid. I do get severe panic attacks, not the kind that make you jittery, the kind that feel like heart attacks or sometimes if you can think of what a sore muscle feels like, sometimes it feels like that but in my heart. Which is odd and scary because we don't really experience that awareness of our hearts often. It started about 5 or so years ago. It's my body's smoke alarm. I believe our bodies know best, we just don't really know how to listen to them anymore, so we ignore the messages they send us and take drugs to make them go away. Once again, my opinion. My body, when it's holding too much of an emotion inside, freaks out. I can express my emotions well and have a great deal of control over myself but there was a time out of fear that I couldn't, and thus they began. I dealt with the issue causing them and they went away. It gave me a further remarkable appreciation for our minds. Doctor after doctor told me there wasn't anything wrong, my feelings weren't real and thus disregarded my suffering, it was irritating but that my mind could produce such strong feelings that had no validation, was well, agonizing but truly remarkable. Nothing was wrong with my body and yet so much was wrong because my mind said so. So, there are many people I do not give a shit about crossing but my own mind, I won't fuck with that. Years went by and I was and remain quite happy, content, satisfied and that part didn't go away but last year I once again held too much inside and I shouldn't have. I was deeply hurt and angry (no not an ex bf/gf) and justifiably so. So, I respected someone that no longer deserved my respect and I respected them way past the point that I needed to. I could have dealt with it in a respectable manner that also allowed me to express myself. I didn't though. The panic attacks came back full force. When I say release anger, I don't mean beat someone up or yell at them, there are healthy ways of articulating ones anger and/or dealing with it. Sometimes there are just fun ones, lol. Anger has such negative sound to it and most people view it as such. It's fine to get, to be angry, it's one form of passion. It's natural. I think it's important to allow yourself to feel however you are, especially when it's a not a happy feeling, I think if we don't allow ourselves to feel it, examine it, we can't release it and let it go. Gaining control over are emotions and ourselves in turn, is so important, but not ignoring them, not denying them. Anyway, I went on xanax, which most people including doctors don't know a lot about and you really have to do a little bit of digging to understand. It's a horrible drug and should have been banned a long time ago. I have my therapist, I go to him every few months for a tune up and have been for years. Most therapists I can't stand but I adore him. He's frank, non judge mental, old school but funny and doesn't try to force his opinions on you. He knew that when I went on it last summer, that it was short term, most doctors will try and make you believe you have a disease and can't live without whatever they are pushing. I went to a women therapist once, mine was away, and she asked me what I was going to take after the xanax and I was like, "umm, nothing" and the look on her face was priceless because she couldn't comprehend that, it completely fucking baffled her. What a joke, no understanding of people, her degree should be revoked but things are just retarded like that at times. At a lot of times. The thing is, doctors get a lot of money to push drugs on you and many don't want you to get better, because you wouldn't need to go to them then. I'm not saying all doctors are like that, but there are a many of them, especially shrinks. Sometimes they are just taught it in college. That the body is whole unit, that concept is not a popular one in the US. It's not something a lot of doctors are taught or study, so many are unaware of, well, a lot. If you were content, would you need the weekly sessions? Spend it on something completely selfish that makes you happy and helps promote confidence, whatever that maybe for you. It will do you a lot better in the long run. I don't mean retail therapy either. If you have a rat in your house, don't seal up all the rooms with yourself inside, find the damn rat and kick it the fuck out. We don't need a zombie apocalypse, we have one. I am actually sorry if anyone is reading this and feels offended, they're some people that need medicine for certain mental illnesses but not nearly as many as those that are on them. If you are going to take them, they should be short term. If there's something wrong, evaluate your life and yourself, it's there, just don't give up on yourself. Don't tell me I'm too young or whatever cliche shit comes to mind. I was in the hospital when I was younger for severe depression that lasted years, I cut myself when I was younger, in my late teenage years I was quite bulimic and I was in a physically abusive relationship for a few years. I know what it feels like to be at a completely crippling, hopeless point that feels endless and I know the pain and tears that accompany it, an exhausting fight against yourself not to breath, but to live. I hated being a victim, I always did and have, and I found myself being one, I found myself holding my tongue and many, many other things. All those things though, I would never, ever take back because those things also helped me to find and to know myself. To find the love I have for myself over all and everyone else. Also, if nothing else, most of those drugs kill your libido. So back to anyway, anyway I took the xanax which as it is, works for a bit and I tried to deal with my issue, which sucked because I remained passive about it for another bit. Then I realized, too long on the xanax, it's approved for 4 weeks in the UK and 8 in the US,  it should be banned. I was on it for months. So I started to ween off of it, which you have to, I was on a very high dosage but regardless you have to. It was my second time off of it and for some reason it was a lot harder. Like pregnancy? I don't know. Actually, it was hell. It was fucking hell. There were times when I had to stop working/playing altogether I got very sick, many times. I could list the symptoms but there were so many. They're common if you dig around on boards and forums. Mental and actual physical effects. I didn't know how sick I would be. I didn't know how bad it would get. I didn't know when one symptom would end...when some other would begin. I just didn't know. Your central nervous system has to re regulate and goes stark raving mad and it tries to take you with it. I don't deal well with being down that long, I push and push myself and don't give myself a lot of slack. So it was very stressful and frustrating on top of everything else. There were times when my mind wanted to but my body couldn't and times when my body could and my mind could not. One of the reason xanax is so hard to stop and you should never go cold turkey once you pass those four weeks, is because you can have a seizure, and though most doctors will tell you it's rare, it's certainly not uncommon and you could end up in the hospital for a mental breakdown quite easily. Which, I almost did and I was weening, just too fast. I did deal with my issue though, there's a point I get to with anyone, I just go, you know what, fuck this, my body is not happy with you and I have no more patience for your shit. I'm not usually mean about it, I just don't tolerate it. So I have a lot of patience, but I only have so much and in the end, I care about my health and the love I have for myself more than pretty much everybody. I'm happy though. We all get bruised going through life, emotionally and physically, I don't know of anyone who hasn't. I don't doubt that was the last time for me. I just think it's how we deal with and that we deal with, rather than chose to ignore, because it's easier. Many of us don't like confrontation, but if you don't force yourself, it will become a habit and a hard one to break. It's so easy to stay in a miserable situation merely because it's comfortable. I don't think it's having experiences that count that much, but learning from experiences and not taking just misery away from them. That said, I like my limbs where they are and I like my senses. I very much hope I am fortunate enough to keep them all and not have to lose any of them. I can't say I can relate or empathize with anyone who has had to. I feel quite grateful in that regard. So, unknowingly, I would like to thank everyone for baring with me this last winter/spring. Heads up, I am in the middle of renovating my space in ct and moving, so things may be a bit hectic for me, that and I don't know what it is with DC and Boston but you guys are fucking flooding my email. Not an excuse, just a heads up, I will get back to you, sometimes immediately and sometimes it may take a little longer. If you want a pizza delivered within an hour, don't email me, but if you want a gourmet pizza and are willing to wait for it, then, by all means, please do so :) Hopefully, I haven't scared too many of you away with this post or made myself out to be flaky or unprofessional. Despite the rumors, I am human.

Since I have put this post up, an hour ago, maybe two, but since then, I have considered taking it down a few times. I think, because it is so private. I've never seriously thought about taking a blog down before and I had an old blog for awhile as well. It's because I can feel something vulnerable in this post that shakes me, and that's why it has to stay up, regardless.  I don't know if it's the right decision, but it's my decision.